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Episode 415

Fat Camp

(Open to South Park Elementary. Fourth Grade Class. The kids are seated as Ms. Choksondik makes her entrance. Cartman is not present.)

Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children! Yes, I'm sure you all remember! Today, we're going to continue our biology lesson by dissecting an organism!

South Park Kids: YEAH! WOO HOO!

Ms. Choksondik: Now, what we are going to dissect today is the West Indian Manatee! (Pulls in a dolly full of dead manatees.) Manatees are mammals that live in the oceans and are often called the "Gentle Clowns of the Sea"!

Wendy: (Raises her hand.) Uh, Ms. Choksondik! Aren't manatees endangered?!

Ms. Choksondik: They sure are, Wendy, and that's why we must learn what's inside them! (starts handing out manatees.) Now, we don't have quite enough manatees t'go 'round, so I think we're gonna have t'split up into groups of four!

Butters: (looks at his group's manatee and notices its head moving.) Hey! Ours is still alive!

Ms. Choksondik: Oh! Hold on! (Gets a brick.) Eh! (starts beating the manatee's head with he brick.) EH! EH! (The manatee's head is full of blood and you can see its brain.) Now, children, our first incision will be along the abdomen!

(Kyle, Stan, and Kenny are looking at their manatee.)

Stan: (Holds the scalpel to Kyle.) I can't do it, dude!

Kyle: Aw, don't be such a baby! (Takes the scalpel. Just before he makes the incision, he thinks twice and holds the scalpel to Kenny.) You do it, Kenny!

Kenny: {Uh, uh!}

Kyle: C'mon, Kenny! I'll give you five bucks t'do it!

Kenny: {FIVE BUCKS?!} (Takes the scalpel and starts making the incision.)

Stan: Too bad Cartman's missing this! He must be really sick!

(Cut to Cartman's House. Living Room. Cartman and his mom, Dee-Anne, are sitting at the couch watching TV.)

Cartman: Heh, heh! Heh, heh, heh!

(On TV, Terrence and Phillip are dressed up as detectives and they are standing in front of a dead body.)

Phillip: (on TV) Say, Terrence, this body appears to have been moved since the murder! Look at the forensic evidence around the torso!

Terrence: (on TV) I don't see anything!

Phillip: (on TV) Look closer! (Terrence bends over a bit.) Closer! (Terrence bends over more and Phillip points his butt toward Terrence and tries to fart.) H'eh! Eh!

Terrence: (on TV) I still don't see anything, fella!

Phillip: (on TV.) Wait, wait! H'eh!

Cartman: (to Dee-Anne.) I know what's gonna happen, mom! Y'wanna know what's gonna happen?!

Phillip: (on TV. With his butt still pointing to Terrence's head and still trying to fart.) H'eh! Eh! Keep looking, Terrence! The forensic evidence is right around here! H'eh! H'aaaaah! (Finally blows a small fart.) HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! (Looks behind him to suddenly see Terrence standing on a stool with his butt pointing to Phillip. Terrence blows a humungous fart blowing Phillip right smack flat against a nearby wall.) Ah! (Phillip falls down.)

Terrence: (on TV) HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

Cartman: Whoa! That totally surprised me! I can't believe how this show manages to stay fresh, huh, mom!

Dee-Anne: Yes, sweetie!

Cartman: Mom, can you go make me a toaster-pastry-chocolate-mix-butter bar?!

Dee-Anne: Ooh! Eh, honey, why don't you go make it yourself?! M'mommy's expecting some company!

Cartman: God! I've t'do everything 'round here! (goes to the kitchen.)

(Pan to the Kitchen. Cartman enters. Cartman gets a chair, places it next to the counter, and stands on the chair so that he can reach the counter.)

Cartman: (sings softly to himself.) You'll never find...dum, dum, dum, lady no matter how you say! Someone who knows you turns out like I do! You'll never find...dum, dum, de, dum, dum!

(As Cartman is singing this ever so softly, gets the toaster, and a box of "POP Toasties" toaster pastries. He takes out two toaster pastries, puts them in the toaster and activates the toaster. Next, he takes out a tin box of Chocolate Milk Mix, pours some of the Mix onto a plate, picks up a whole stick of butter which he unwraps, and mixes the butter together with the Chocolate Milk Mix on the plate. The toaster pastries, being ready, pop up from the toaster. Cartman catches the pastries in the air. Finally, he takes the chocolate and butter mixture and slaps it between the two toaster pastries making himself sort of a sandwich. As he's squeezing his butter-pastry-chocolate-mix-butter bar together, a lot of the chocolate and butter mixture slides out to the side. Cartman carries his snack back to the living room.

(Pan back to the Living Room. Cartman is still singing to himself.)

Cartman: (sings.) Oh, I dream of my soft baby! But, to...! (Stops singing. Looks to the couch surprised to see Dee-Anne sitting next to Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, and Sheila Broflovski, while behind them stand the Doctor, Randy Marsh, Sharon Marsh, and Gerald Broflovski.) What the hell's going on?!

Dee-Anne: Uh, e'sweetie, your friends wanted to have a TALK with you!

Mr. Mackey: Eric, your friends and your family are all...concerned about your weight! M'kay?!

Cartman: What?!

Doctor: We believe that you might have a problem!

Cartman: YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT, I HAVE A PROBLEM! TERRENCE AND PHILLIP IS ON AND I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE T'SIT! NOW WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

Mr. Garrison: It's called intervention, Eric!

Dee-Anne: Your friends and I have all chipped in and we're going to send you up to a Weight-Management Retreat!

Cartman: Fat Camp?!

Doctor: Yes! Fat Camp!

Cartman: (takes his butter-pastry-chocolate-mix-butter bar in his hand.) ALRIGHT! I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL PUT YOU ALL UP TO THIS, BUT I AM SURE AS HELL NOT GOING TO ANY GAY-ASSED FAT CAMP!

Mr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people came here and paid to send you to camp because they care about you!

Mr. Garrison: Yeah, except for me! I just wanted to see the look on your face when they told you!

Cartman: MOM, TELL THEM! TELL'EM I'M NOT FAT! I'M JUST BIG-BONED! TELL'EM ALL THE STORIES ABOUT HOW EVERYONE IN YOUR FAMILY WAS BIG AS A CHILD BUT THEN GREW INTO THEIR BODIES!

Dee-Anne: Oh! Sweetie, those were all lies! You're just fat!

(Cartman stands there looking very stunned as a corner of his butter-pastry-chocolate-mix-butter bar breaks off and falls to the floor.)

(Cut to South Park Elementary. Fourth Grade Class. The manatees are all cut open. Ms. Choksondik has a diagram on the chalkboard labeling all the inner parts of the manatee.)

Ms. Choksondik: And now, we will be removing the spleen! (Points to it on the diagram.) Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed for a...

(Principal Victoria enters.)

Principal Victoria: Uh, Ms. Choksondik! Can we have a quick word with you?!

Ms. Choksondik: Alright! (to South Park Kids.) Continue with the removal of the spleen, children! I'll be right back!

(Ms. Choksondik and Principal Victoria leave. Pan to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny where they have their manatee cut open. They look inside.)

Kyle: Aw, dude! Check this out!

Stan: That's so gross!

(Kyle removes the spleen.)

Kyle: (to Kenny.) Hey, Kenny! How much for you to eat this?!

Kenny: {I'm not eating that!}

Kyle: I'll give you ten bucks to eat it!

Stan: I'll throw in five!

(Pan outside where Principal Victoria is speaking with Ms. Choksondik.)

Principal Victoria: And so apparently, there's been a little mix-up! The manatees were meant to go to the Denver Shelter Aquarium, and the frogs were meant to come here!

Ms. Choksondik: Oh, dear!

(Pan back into the classroom. Everyone is watching Kenny, waiting in anticipation to see if Kenny will eat the West Indian Manatee's spleen.)

Butters: I'll throw in a dollar!

Bebe: I've got three!

Kyle: (to Kenny) C'mon, dude! All y'gotta do is eat it really fast!

Stan: Forty-one bucks!

(Kenny takes the spleen and starts eating it.)

Kenny: (Eating the spleen.) {N'YUM! N'YUM! N'YUM!}

South Park Kids: (Cheering on Kenny.) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCH! (Kenny finishes eating the spleen.)

Stan: He did it!

(Ms. Choksondik re-enters.)

Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children! Uh, let's get back in our seats! Uh, we are now going to put the manatees BACK TOGETHER!

(The kids all look stunned.)

(Cut to Hopeful Hills - Children's Weight Management Center, which we will call Fat Camp. Dee-Anne is driving along in her red car with Cartman by her side all packed up.)

Dee-Anne: And it has basketball courts and tennis courts and you can call Mommy any time you want! (Cartman is silent.) Oh sweetykins, don't be mad! I'm sure you're going to have a good time, and when you come back, you'll be all healthy and thin!

(Dee-Anne parks in front of the Registration building. She gets out and meets Rick, a Weight Counselor.)

Rick: Howdy, there! I'm one of the weight counselors here! This must be Eric Cartman!

Dee-Anne: Yes! I'm afraid he's a little moody!

Rick: Oh, we'll change that! (To Cartman who is still in the car.) Hello, camper! My name is Rick! How're you doing?!

Cartman: WELL, I'M PISSED OFF, RICK! HOW'RE YOU?!

Rick: I'm doing great! W'why don't you come on out and we'll get you oriented! (Cartman sighs silently and exits the car.) I'll take care of him from here, ma'am!

Dee-Anne: Oh! (To Cartman. Extending a hand to his shoulder.) Well, goodbye, sweetie!

Cartman: (Pulling away.) Don't touch me!

Rick: Eric, this is the beginning of a whole new life for you!

(Cut to Fat Camp. The next morning. Cartman is standing outside of a wooden cabin in line with some other fat boys and girls. They are standing in front of a stage.)

Fat Girl #1: (to Cartman) Have you got'ny candy!

Cartman: No!

Horace: (A fat boy.) My mom says I ain't t'eat no candy here! I'm s'posed t'lose weight!

(Rick enters onto the stage.)

Rick: Alright! Everybody's here and that means we can get down to business! Over the next few weeks, we're gonna learn that losing weight is fun! Right, gang?!

(Fat Kids are silent.)

Horace: Right!

Rick: Wait a second! D'you kids hear something?! I could've swore that...

(Susan, another weight counselor, enters wearing a Gluttonous Fat costume.)

Susan: (as Gluttonous Fat.) RAAAAAR!

Rick: OH NO, KIDS! IT'S GLUTONOUS FAT!

Susan: (as Gluttonous Fat.) I'm gonna take over your body and make you slow!

Rick: Oh! What're we going to do?! Wait! I know! I can knock it out with EXCERCISE! (takes out a sponge cricket bat with "EXCERCISE!" written on it and hits Gluttonous Fat.) And PROPER DIET! (takes out another sponge cricket bat with "PROPER DIET!" written on it and hits Gluttonous Fat.)

Susan: (as Gluttonous Fat.) OH, NO! EXCERCISE AND PROPER DIET HAVE KILLED ME! (falls down.)

Rick: I guess we took care of that bad old fat! Didn't we, kids?!

(Fat Kids are silent.)

Horace: Yeah!

Rick: Well, hold on a second, because that Gluttonous Fat was really our good friend Susan who's another weight counselor!

(Susan gets out of the Gluttonous Fat costume.)

Horace: Heh! It was a lady in a costume!

Cartman: (indicating Horace.) Will somebody put this retard out of his misery?!

(Cut to School. Playground. Pip and Stan are standing around a groaning Kenny who looks sick. Kyle and Butters enter.)

Kyle: What's the matter?!

Stan: Kenny's not feeling so good! (Bebe, Wendy, Clyde, and Tokken enter.) That manatee's spleen made 'im sick!

Kyle: Uh, oh! I guess we shouldn't've made 'im eat it!

Kenny: (barfs.) {BLEECCH! BLEECCH! BLEECCH!}

Stan and Kyle: YEEEECCH!

Stan: (to Kenny.) Well, at least y'got it outta your system!

Kyle: (looking at Kenny's barf.) Oh, dude! You can still kinda see the spleen! (Looks at butters who seems to be waiting in anticipation for Kenny to do something as are the rest of the kids. Then, talks to Kenny.) How much, Kenny?!

Kenny: {WHAT?!}

Kyle: I'll give you five bucks t'eat your puke!

Butters: I'I'm in for five!

Stan: Oh, you guys!

Clyde: I got three!

Tokken: Six!

Butters: (brings Kenny an R. Kelly thermos.) Uh, here! Y'you can scoop it up in a R. Kelly thermos!

(Kenny takes the thermos and scoops up some of his barf.)

Kyle: That's nineteen bucks, Kenny!

Kenny: {Sigh!} (eats his barf.)

South Park Kids: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OH!

Kyle: KICK ASS, DUDE!

Stan: You know, dude, there might be something to this!

Kyle: Yeah! People are willing to pay big money to see Kenny do this stuff!

(Cut to Fat Camp. A green hill near the woods. Rick and Susan enter running over the hill.)

Rick: (yelling behind him over the hill.) DOING GREAT, KIDS! COME ON!

(Rick and Susan exit running ahead. The Fat Kids, including Cartman, enter running ever so slowly over the hill.)

Fat Kids: COUGH! COUGH! COUGH! WHEEZE! WHEEZE! WHEEZE!

Cartman: THIS...IS...BULLCRAP!

(Cut to Fat Camp. Mess Hall. That night. The Fat Kids are sitting at tables as Rick stands in the middle.)

Rick: Well, I sure enjoyed MY carrots and protein bar! How 'bout you, gang?!

(The Fat Kids are still silent.)

Cartman: (to himself.) I'm starving! This is it! I'm going to die here!

(Susan enters.)

Susan: (brings in desert.) I hope you all left room for desert! Soybean pudding for everybody! (serves it to the Fat Kids.)

(Cartman disappointedly stares at his soybean pudding while Fat Boy #1 next to him seems to enjoy HIS.)

Fat Boy #1: (to Cartman.) Are you gonna eat your soybean pudding?!

Cartman: (Throws his soybean to Fat Boy #1) TAKE IT! I CAN'T EAT THIS CRAP!

Fat Girl #2: (Sitting next to Cartman on his other side.) Me neither! I have to have sugar, or I'm gonna die!

Cartman: Yeah well, when I was in prison, we used to sneak stuff in by hiding it up our ass!

Fat Boy #1: I've got some fudge hidden up my ass! Y'want some?!

Cartman: (Giggles a hissing giggle and gives a sarcastic "Yeah!".) P'hsst, yeah! I'm not fallin' for that one again!

(Cut to Fat Camp. Later that night, while the other Fat Kids and the Weight Management Counselors are supposedly sleeping. Cartman sneaks out of his cabin holding Clyde Frog.)

Cartman: (Whispering.) Alright, Clyde Frog! We just gotta clear the counselor building and we're free! (runs past a fence, through the woods, and to a street.) We did it, Clyde Frog! Now, the only question is, do we go home to our traitor mom and friends or do we start a new life on the run?! (An Ice Cream Truck drives up towards him on the street playing Ice Cream Truck music.) An ice cream truck! (To the truck.) HEY, WAIT! (The truck stops. the Ice Cream Vendor exits his truck.) BOY! 'M I GLAD T'SEE YOU!

Ice Cream Vendor: Can I interest you in some ice cream?!

Cartman: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, YOU CAN! TWO ROLLER POPS, PLEASE!

Ice Cream Vendor: (opens the back of his truck and takes out a Roller Pop.) Alrighty! D'you want this kind (indicating the Roller Pop he has in his hand.) or this kind?! (pointing into the entrance to the back of his truck.)

Cartman: (Looks inside the truck, but cannot see what the Ice Cream Vendor is referring to as the second kind of Roller Pop.) Huh?! (The Ice Cream Vendor pushes Cartman into the truck.) HEY! (The Ice Cream Vendor slams the door shut locking Cartman inside.. It's a trap set up by the Fat Camp to keep their Fat Kids from escaping! Of course, the Ice Cream Vendor is not really an Ice Cream Vendor! He's actually an employee of the Fat Camp!)

(Pan inside the Ice Cream Truck which, of course, is really a paddy wagon owned by the Fat Camp. Inside with Cartman are Horace, two other fat boys, and a fat girl.)

Fat Boy #2: They tricked us again, huh!

Cartman: AW! GODDAMMIT! (bangs on the door.) LEMMIE OUTTA H'NYAAAA!

(Pan outside. The supposed Ice Cream Vendor is back in the truck about to drive the Fat Kids back to the Fat Camp.)

Ice Cream Vendor: (to the Fat Kids inside.) Hang on! We'll be back at camp in a matter of no time! (starts the truck and drives away still playing Ice Cream Truck music.)

(Cut to Fat Camp. Cabin. That same night. The five nearly escaped fat kids, including Cartman, enter. They walk towards their bunks as other fat kids are lying in theirs.)

Fat Boy #2: They always get us! Sometimes, it's a ice cream truck! Sometimes, it's a taco stand! But, they always fool us!

Horace: I can't help it! I'd give anything, any amount of money for some candy!

(Rick and Susan enter.)

Rick: Hey, kids!

Susan: Looks like we had some attempted escapees again tonight!

Rick: Escaperoo! Now, campers, I know that camp is tough, but you have to believe that you can do it, and you have to know that until you drop the weight, YOU CAN'T LEAVE!

Susan: There is no escape!

Rick: So let's just all put on our "Try Hard!" helmets and accept that the only way for us to get out of camp IS TO LOSE THE WEIGHT!

Cartman: Goddammit!

(Cut to Cartman's House. The Doctor, Principal Victoria, Gerald, Timmy, Sharon, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, Sheila, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Butters are all sitting around a couch talking amongst themselves in waiting anticipation.)

Gerald: (in the conversation.) And that's what being young is all about!

(The conversation is stopped as Dee-Anne steps in front.)

Dee-Anne: Thanks for coming, everybody!

Mr. Mackey: W'what's all this about, Mrs. Cartman?! Is Eric having trouble at his Weight Management Camp?!

Stan: We knew he wouldn't make it!

Dee-Anne: Oh, no! Quite the contrary! Eric showed up and surprised me last night! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you the new Eric Cartman!

(A boy, who appears to be a thin version of Cartman, enters. However, little do we know that he is actually an escaped Junkie from a Drug Rehab Center, disguised as Cartman Minus The Blubber. Throughout the rest of this episode, you will notice how brilliant, resembling, and convincing this Junkie is playing the role of Cartman.)

Junkie: (sounding just like Cartman.) Hey, dudes!

(Everyone is stunned and amazed.)

Kyle: Whoa!

Stan: I don't believe it!

Dee-Anne: Believe it! He lost forty pounds at his Fat Camp!

(Everyone is now happy and pleased believing that Cartman actually lost weight.)

Mr. Mackey: Eric, that's fantastic! M'kay?!

Principal Victoria: Congratulations! How d'you feel?!

Junkie: (as Cartman.) I feel awesome!

Kyle: What the hell did they do with all the fat?! There must've been enough t'last an Eskimo family months!

Junkie: (like Cartman.) Y'know, Kyle, there was a time when your fat-jokes would've gotten to me, but now, I'm totally slim and totally happy! In fact, I'd say I'm a little bit trimmer than YOU, fat boy! Ha, ha! Just kidding, Kyle!

Dee-Anne: I made some healthy tofu pudding to celebrate! Who wants some?!

Junkie: (like Cartman.) ME, ME, ME, ME!

(Everyone, except Stan and Kyle, exit.)

Kyle: Dude, I don't know if I'm gonna like the new Eric Cartman!

Stan: Did you like the OLD one?!

Kyle: Good point!

(Cut to Jesus and Pals set. On TV.)

Announcer: And now, back to Jesus and Pals on South Park Public Access!

(Jesus is sitting with the Junkie who is pretending to be the new skinny Cartman. He is Jesus' guest. There is a phone between the two.)

Jesus: Back to our courageous story of a little boy's triumph over obesity! Eric, yea! You found that the spirit of the Lord inside you gave you strength!

Junkie: (as Cartman.) No! Actually, I found a diet that totally works!

Jesus: A little boy who overcame the odds! Let's hear it for Eric Cartman! (Applause from the studio audience.) Well, our second guest tonight is a young man named Kenny McKormic who's going to eat dog crap! Kenny!

(Kenny enters. The lights are turned off and a spotlight appears on Kenny as music plays and Stan and Kyle enter with a dog. The dog sticks its butt into the spotlight and takes a crap. Kenny picks up the dog crap.)

Audience: WHOA! EEEEW! AAAAAAGH! (Some of the Audience members cover their eyes. Kenny slowly raises the dog crap to his mouth and slips it in. Kenny is then raised on a platform under his feet as he shows the audience the dog crap in his mouth.) AAAAAAAAAHGH! (Some Audience members still avert their eyes from Kenny's disgusting feat. Kenny eats the dog crap.) YES! YAAAAAAY! WOOOOHOOO! YEAH!

(The Junkie, pretending to be slim Cartman, looks jealously at Kenny. The lights are turned on again.)

Junkie: (as Cartman.) GODDAMMIT! ALL I GOT WAS A LITTLE GOLF CLAP!

Jesus: Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny!

Kenny: {Sure!}

Audience Member #1: DO IT AGAIN!

Audience Member #2: DO IT AGAIN!

Audience Member #3: HEY, KID! I'LL GIVE YOU TWENTY BUCKS T'EAT A REALLY OLD PIECE OF BACON!

Junkie: (as Cartman.) THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

Jesus: So, Kenny, how did you discover that you had this...talent?!

Stan: (indicating himself and Kyle.) We thought of it, Jesus! I mean, Kenny's the one that does it all, but we were the masterminds of the whole thing!

Jesus: I can't say I approve of this, my children!

Kyle: Huh?! Why not?!

Jesus: Because Kenny is only doing things that ANYBODY could do...for money! He's a PROSTITUTE!

Audience Member #4: I'LL PAY'IM FIFTY BUCKS T'EAT SOMEONE ELSE'S VOMIT!

Audience: YEAH! GO FOR IT!

Stan: (to Kyle.) What's a pros-tit-tute?!

Kyle: (to Stan.) I don't know!

(Cut to School. Cafeteria. Chef is behind the counter as usual. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny approach.)

Chef: Hello there, children!

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny: Hey, Chef!

Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?!

(Pause.)

Chef: Dagnabit, children! How come every time you come in here, you gotta be askin' me questions I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's a clitoris?!" "What's a lesbian, Chef?!" "How come they call it a rim job, Chef?!" For once, can't you just come in here and say "Hi, Chef! Nice day! Isn't it!?"!?

Stan: (hurridly.) Hi, Chef! Nice day! Isn't it!?

Chef: It sure is! Thank you!

Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?!

Chef: Uh, uh! You children're gonna git me in trouble with the principal again!

(The Junkie enters as slender Cartman.)

Junkie: (as Cartman.) Lunchtime! I'm starved!

(Chef is surprised and amazed to see what looks to him like a very slim Cartman.)

Chef: Oh, my God! Eric?!

Junkie: (as Cartman.) That's me!

Stan: (To Junkie.) Chef was just about to tell us what a prostitute is!

(Small pause.)

Chef: Why d'y'need t'know what a prostitute is anyway?!

Stan: Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a prostitute! Is he?!

Chef: {Yeah! Am I?!}

(Possible Error: Kyle's mouth is crooked when Stan and Kenny speak these previous lines.)

Chef: Well, no! Uh, of course, Kenny's not a prostitute!

Kyle: Why?!

Chef: Well, because children, a prostitute is someone who...you can pay for certain services!

Stan: Like what?!

Chef: Like keeping you company! Understand?!

Stan: No!

Chef: You see, children, sometime a man needs to be with a woman, but sometimes, when the lovin' is over, the woman just want to talk and talk and talk and talk! (Music starts. Sings.) But a prostitute is someone who would love you no matter who you are, what you look like! (speaks.) Yes, it's true, children! (At this time, the Junkie slips away carrying a yellow nap sack like Cartman's. Then Tokken, Clyde, Butters, Bebe, and other kids enter to listen to Chef sing. Chef continues to sing.) But, that's not why you pay a prostitute! No, you don't pay for her to stay! You payin' her t'leave afterwards! (Little does Chef know, but Principal Victoria has just entered the Cafeteria. Sings.) This world pays a lot for prostitutes! (Speaks.) Ladies and gentlemen, Mister James Taylor!

(James Taylor enters playing his guitar.)

James Taylor: (Sings.) A prostitute is like any other woman! They all trade somethin' fer sex, and they do it well! (At this time, the Junkie playing Cartman is stealing boxes of donuts from a low shelf around the corner out of sight.)

Chef: (Sings.) That's why I say...!

Chef and James Taylor: (Sing.) Prostitutes! Prostitutes!

Chef: (Sings.) They...(Sees Principal Victoria. The music stops. Stops singing.)...Ohhhh! (Pause. To James Taylor.) JAMES TAYLOR, WHAT THE HELL'RE YOU DOIN' IN HERE SINGIN' ABOUT PROSTITUTES TO THE CHILDREN?! GET OUTTA HERE! (James Taylor leaves. Chef sees Principal Victoria stare at him sharply.) THESE CHILDREN TRICKED ME!

(Cut to Fat Camp. The road in the mountains. The Junkie, dressed up as a skinny Cartman, is riding a bicycle to the camp with the yellow nap sack on his back. He grunts and groans until he reaches the gateway to the Fat Camp. The Junkie parks the bike under the sign and goes to the fence. A large shadow covers him.)

Junkie: (In his regular voice now.) Oh! There you are! Alright! I got the goods! Some candy bars, a few donuts, and some beef gravy!

(We then see the figure on the other side of the fence casting the large shadow. It is Cartman, the REAL Cartman, and he is still as fat as ever.)

Cartman: Is anyone starting to suspect anything?!

Junkie: Nobody! Your Mom even thinks I'm a skinny you!

Cartman: A'awesome! Alright! Throw it over!

Junkie: Uh, uh! One thing! I want a bigger cut!

Cartman: What?!

Junkie: I'm the one risking my ass running around in that stupid town pretending t'be you and collecting all the food to bring up here! All you have to do is sit back and sell it to all the fat kids!

Cartman: Alright! Right! Keep your voice down! I'll bump y'up to ten percent!

Junkie: Twenty!

Cartman: Ha! Suck my balls, twenty!

Junkie: Fine! Then I shall bid you good day!

Cartman: Waitwaitwaitwait! Fine! Twenty! But just remember that your parents think you're at the Drug Rehab Centre next door! You blow your cover and we're BOTH screwed!

(The Junkie appears to realize that Cartman has the upper hand.)

(Cut to the University of Colorado. A Dorm Room. Three Dorm Kids are studying, two on an old couch and one lying on a bed. A fourth one, Dorm Kid #1, enters with a videotape.)

Dorm Kid #1: You guys! You have to check this tape out!

Dorm Kid #2: (on the couch) Hey, we're trying to study! Finals are tomorrow!

Dorm Kid #1: No, dude! Check this out! 'T's a video'f this kid that does all kinds of crazy stuff! (puts the tape into the VCR, turns on the TV, and plays the video. The screen shows Kenny at the bottom of a Portable Outhouse bathing in all kinds of shit.) Check it out! He jumped into a Porto-Potty at a construction sight and stayed there for four days!

Dorm Kids #2, #3, and #4: (watching the screen.) Whoa!

(The screen shows the exterior of the Porto-Potty as it shows some Construction Worker enter it. The video cuts to where Kenny is sitting in all that shit. A turd falls from the ceiling and lands on Kenny.)

Kenny: (on video.) {Aaagh!}

Dorm Kid #1: Oh, gro'oss!

Dorm Kid #3: Sick!

Dorm Kid #2: That's awesome! (goes out to the hall and yells through.) HEY, GUYS! CHECK THIS OUT!

(Cut to the set of The Krazy Kenny Show. A new show. Opening frame.)

Announcer: Get ready for The Krrrazy Kenny Show! (Pan to set. There is a green couch and a red desk and spotlights are everywhere.) And now, here's your host, the kid who'll do anything to himself for money, Krrraaaaazzy Kenny! (Kenny enters. The Announcer also enters and shows himself.) Kenny, through the past weeks, we've seen you eat mice, pretend to kill new-born babies to shock their mothers, and wash your hair with battery acid! The question on all our minds is...w'what're you gonna do next?!

Audience: (applauding.) Woo hoo! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Kenny: {Well, fella, I'm gonna give a sensual full-body massage to my own granddad!}

Announcer: Aha, ho, ho! You heard'im, folks! Kenny is going to give a sensual full-body massage to his own grandfather!

Audience: (applauding.) WHOA HO! WOO HOO! YEAH! WHOA!

(The platform, where the couch and desk are, turns around concealing the couch and desk, thus revealing Kenny's Granddad lying on a heart-shaped bed. Kenny walks up to his Granddad, puts oil on his hand, and rubs it on his Granddad. From here on, we don't see Kenny and his Granddad.)

Audience: AAAAAAAAAAW! (Pause.) AAAAAAAAAAW!

(Pan to where Kyle, Stan, and Junkie as Cartman are sitting in the audience. Stan and Kyle are eating donuts and licorice, but not the Junkie.)

Stan: Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!

Junkie: (as Cartman.) This is so juvenile!

Kyle: Cartman, what the hell's the matter with you?!

Stan: Yeah! You've gotten lame since you got skinny! What's up?!

Junkie: (as Cartman.) Eh, nothing! Hey, can I have some of that licorice to take home?!

(Cut to Fat Camp. Nighttime. Inside Cabin. Rick is standing in front of the door speaking to the Fat Kids.)

Rick: Alright, campers! Good work today! Light out 'n' we'll see ya tomorrow for more exercise and proper diet! (Leaves.)

(Pan outside cabin. Rick meets Susan who is already there.)

Susan: All beddy-byes for tonight, are they!?

Rick: I don't know what we're doing wrong, Susan! These kids aren't losing the weight!

Susan: You just have to give them more time! They'll do it!

Rick: They'll do it!

Susan: They'll do it!

(Rick and Susan leave. Pan back inside the cabin where Cartman is watching the two weight counselor's leave.)

Cartman: (Turns toward the other fat kids.) Alright! They're gone! (Retrieves an orange suitcase.) The Cartman Store is open! (Opens the suitcase which is full of candy that he is about to sell.)

(All the Fat Kids line up to buy sweets from Cartman. First is Fat Girl #3.)

Fat Girl #3: Two donuts and a pack of licorice, please! (pays her money.)

Cartman: (gives Fat Girl #3 her goods.) Twodonutsandapackoflicorice! (Fat Girl #3 leaves. Next in line is Tony, an extremely obese boy.) Hello, Tony! The usual?! (Tony just gives an extremely tiny nod and Cartman makes the exchange. Tony leaves. Next in line is Chad who is weeping ever so bitterly. Dramatic music starts playing.)

Chad: Boo, hoo, hoo! Snif, sniffle! Sob, sob!

Cartman: Why're y'crying, Chad?!

Chad: 'Cause I'm always gonna be fat! I d'wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control myself when they're right'n front of me like this! Sob! Behoohooooo! Boohoohoo! All my life, I've been fat! I've been, I've been to seven camps and I swore t'my Momma that I'd lose the weight! I want to, but I can't help myself! Sob! Waaaaaaaaaaaa!
Boohoo, boohoohoo! Waaaaaaaaaaaa!

Cartman: (Consoles Chad.) Hey, Chad! Eh! Y'know what you need?! You need a friend!

Chad: Snifsnifsnifsnif! I, I do?!

Cartman: Yes! (Whips out a chocolate bar.) A chocolate friend!

Chad: Snifsnifsnifsnif! Ooooooooooooooo!

Cartman: Mister Candy Bar doesn't judge you, Chad! Mister Candy Bar likes you just the way you are! (Opens the chocolate bar and wiggles it in front of Chad's face.) Look at how yummy and sweet he is!

Chad: (takes the chocolate bar.) Snif! Sniffle! Sob! (takes a bite.) Snif, snif! Sob! (eats, sobs, and sobs a little less.)

Cartman: (Consoles Chad.) There y'go! That'll just be four dollars!

Chad: (Pays Cartman.) Snif! Snif! Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo! (nibbles and sobs some more.) Boo, hoo, hoo! Boo, hoo, hoo!

Cartman: There y'go!

(Cut to TV Ad for Krazy Kenny on Pay Per View.)

Announcer: This week on Pay Per View, Krazy Kenny will crawl up into a woman's uterus and stay there for six hours! (The picture shows a frame of Kenny looking up under Ms. Crabtree's ass and another frame of Kenny in a secluded area. Ms. Crabtree is probably the woman into who's uterus Kenny will crawl.) Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime event! Order now!

(Cut to New York. The set of The Howard Stern Radio Show on TV. Tom Green, Johnny Nigel from MTV's Jackass, and Kenny are Howard Stern's guests. They are on the air.)

Howard Stern: Alright! So we're back talkin' to three competing celebrities, Tom Green, Johnny Nigel from MTV's Jackass, and Krazy Kenny!

Tom Green: Hey, Howard!

Howard Stern: Krazy Kenny is here to promote his Pay Per View special this week where he will crawl up into a bus driver's uterus and stay there for six hours!

Johnny Nigel: Wow!

Howard Stern: Now, some people think that all you guys do is perform sick and disgusting acts for shock value and money which makes you whores, but I'd like to prove them wrong, so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna offer each of you fifty thousand dollars to give me oral sex right now!

Tom Green: I'm in!

Johnny Nigel: Me too!

Kenny: {And me!}

Howard Stern: Oh!

Tom Green: Fine! I'll do it for forty then!

Johnny Nigel: Thirty!

Tom Green: Twenty!

Kenny: {Ten bucks!}

Howard Stern: Oo! The kid says he'll do it for ten bucks!

Tom Green: Dammit! I'm out!

Johnny Nigel: Me too! I guess he is the biggest whore!

Howard Stern: Alright! Let's get going then! Can we cut the cameras?!

(Cut to Fat Camp. Outside. Rick is standing in front of the Fat Kids doing exercises.)

Rick: And we're gonna reach for the sky! (Puts his hands in the air.)

Fat Kids: (Including Cartman. Try to put their hands in the air, but only make it half-way.) EH!

Rick: And down to the ground! (Puts his hands near his feet.)

Fat Kids: (Including Cartman. Try to put their hands near their feet, but again only make it half-way.) EEEEEEH!

Rick: And up to the sky! (Puts his hands in the air.)

Fat Kids: (Including Cartman. Try to put their hands in the air, but again only make it half-way.) EH!

(Secretly, Fat Boy #1 exchanges some money with Cartman for a pack of what looks like Twinkies.)

Rick: And down to the ground! (Puts his hands near his feet.)

Fat Kids: (Including Cartman. Try to put their hands near their feet, but yet again only make it half-way.) EEEEEEH!

(Horace's Dad and Mom, who are enormously fat, enter along with Horace. Susan follows them in.)

Susan: (to Horace's Dad.) Please, Mr. Sanders!

Horace's Dad: No! I have HAD it!

Rick: What's happening?!

Susan: Horace's parents want to take him home!

Rick: (To Horace's Dad and Mom.) Oh, but he's not ready yet!

Horace's Dad: Look at what you've done to my boy! You've told Horace that he was responsible for his weight! You made him believe that with exercise and proper diet, he could be thin, when we told you that it was his genetics!

Rick: They can lose the weight if they try!

Horace's Dad: Look at these kids! They're not getting any thinner! Your camp is a fraud! You need to accept the fact that most fat people are just genetically fat!

Susan: Please, sir! If you give us one more week...!

Horace's Dad: Your time is up!

Horace's Mom: Yeah! Your time is up!

Horace's Dad: And I'm going to call all the other parents and tell them to come claim THEIR kids as well! Your camp is a waste of time!

Horace: But, Dad, I...!

Horace's Dad: What?!

(Horace looks scared to tell, and Cartman looks scared that Horace is going to tell about the underground candy trade that's going on at this Fat Camp, which would blow Cartman's cover. But, Horace decides not to tell this time.)

Horace: Nothin'!

(Horace and his Parents leave the scene.)

Susan: We're in trouble, Rick!

(Cut to the set of The Krazy Kenny Show. Ms. Crabtree is all set up on a chair at centre-stage with no pants, her legs spread apart, and a two-circle-star flag dangling over her punani. Tweek, Tokken, Clyde, Butters, and Kyle are setting up the scene. There is also a digital clock located above Ms. Crabtree with hours, minutes, and seconds.)

Kyle: Alright, Miss Crabtree! Is it comfortable enough?!

Ms. Crabtree: HOW LONG HAVE I GOTTA SIT HERE?!

Kyle: Six hours!

Ms. Crabtree: HELL! I'LL DO SIX HOURS FOR THE FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS YOUR BRINGIN' ME!

Kyle: Great!

(Stan enters.)

Stan: YOU GUYS! IT'S KENNY! HE'S BEEN ARRESTED FOR PROSTITUTION IN NEW YORK!

Kyle: For what?!

Stan: FOR GIVING HOWARD STERN A HUMMER!

Butters: W'what's a hummer?!

Stan: I DON'T KNOW! ALL I KNOW IS KENNY'S IN JAIL FOR AL LEAST THREE MONTHS!

Kyle: THREE MONTHS?! BUT THE PAY PER VIEW IS TOMORROW!

Stan: I KNOW!

(Kyle drops his hammer and he and Stan approach the Junkie, disguised brilliantly as a skinny Cartman, who is just sitting off to the right where we pan.)

Kyle: We've worked so hard, come so close! Now we'll never see crawl up into Miss Crabtree's uterus!

Junkie: (as Cartman.) Y'know, maybe we've all learned something here! I mean, we set Kenny up to further and further himself each time, having to always out-do himself! Now he's in jail for being a whore, and perhaps, just perhaps, we are to blame!

(Stan and Kyle look at the false Cartman in a matter that they are suspicious of Cartman's apparent accumulation of sissy hood.)

Kyle: ALRIGHT! THAT DOES IT! THIS HAS BEEN BOTHERING THE HELL OUTTA ME! (Removes the Junkie's Cartman Hat to reveal the Junkie's red hair which is shaved into a flathead style. Stan and Kyle finally realize that THIS IS NOT CARTMAN!.) I KNEW IT! YOU'RE NOT CARTMAN AT ALL!

Junkie: (in his regular voice.) Uh, oh!

(Cut to the Set of The Krazy Kenny Show. The Next Day. Pay Per View Broadcasting Time. Ms. Crabtree is set up on stage the same way as before. The clock is set at six hours ready to count down. The Announcer is also on stage.)

Announcer: Well, we've seen 'im do just about every disgusting thing in the book, and today, live on pay per view, Krazy Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's uterus for six hours! (Applause from the audience.) Well, Ms. Crabtree, your cervics has been diolated, your womb equipped with oxygen! How d'you feel?!

Ms. Crabtree: I FEEL GREAT! I HAVEN'T HAD THIS MUCH ATTENTION PAID T'MY COUTS SINCE I WAS SIXTEEN!

Audience: HOORAAAAY!

Announcer: Well, let's bring out the man of the hour! You know 'im as the...

(Pan backstage where Stan and Kyle are standing with who appears to be Kenny.)

Kyle: (to the Kenny figure.) Don't worry, dude! You're gonna do great!

(The Kenny figure lifts the hood of his orange tookah and his true identity is revealed. It is the Junkie who impersonated Cartman before. Now the Junkie is substituting for Kenny in another brilliant disguise.)

Junkie: (in his Kenny costume.) No way! I'm not doing this!

Kyle: (angrily to the Junkie.) Oh, you're doing it, or else, we're gonna bust your whole scheme wide open and tell your mom you haven't actually been at your drug rehab this whole time!

Junkie: BUT THIS ISN'T FAIR!

Stan: (puts the Junkie's orange tookah hood back on the Junkie's head and gets his costume ready again.) Deal, druggie!

Junkie: (As Kenny.) {But I don't know how to do an older woman!} (goes on stage.)

(Pan back on stage.)

Announcer: And here he is, Kenny McKormic! (Junkie enters as Kenny. Applause. The Junkie approaches Ms. Crabtree's abdomen, and slips straight into her uterus in front of a silent audience. There are TV screens around the set showing the Junkie, as Kenny, inside Ms. Crabtree.) We can watch him on the video monitors! (to the Junkie.) How're y'doin' in there, Kenny?! (The Junkie gives the Announcer a thumb up.)

Mrs. McKormic: (in the audience.) That's my boy!

(Cut to Fat Camp. Front of the Registration Building. Parents of the Fat Kids are coming to pick up their kids after hearing the rumor spread by Horace's Dad that the Fat Camp was a fraud. Rick and Susan are standing around witnessing this. Chad's Mom and Dad take Chad away passing by Rick and Susan.)

Rick: Goodbye, Chad!

Chad's Dad: We'll be wanting a refund naturally!

Rick: Naturally!

(Chad's family walks away. Alice, a Fat Girl, walks by with her family.)

Susan: Goodbye, Alice!

Alice: Goodbye! Thank you!

Rick: Uh, don't thank us! We failed you!

(Pan to where Cartman is standing. He is counting up all his money from his underground candy trade.)

Cartman: Sixty-five...sixty-six...sixty-seven!

(Pan to Chad's family car. Chad's Mom is in the car. Chad and his Dad are standing outside. Chad is about to enter the car, but he stops.)

Chad: Wait a second! This isn't right!

(Fat Kids and their Families stop and look at Chad.)

Fat Kids and Families: Huh?!

Chad: It's time for me to be responsible for my own actions! Mom! Dad! We've been eating candy this whole time! (points the accusing finger at Cartman.) Eric Cartman's been sneaking in junk food!

Cartman: Eh, shut up, you half Chad!

Horace: No! He's right! The counselors' been doin' a good job! We just been cheating!

Fat Kids: YEAH!

Horace: I believe I can lose the weight with exercise and proper diet! I don't wanna make excuses no more!

Fat Girl #4: Me neither!

Fat Kids: YEAH!

(Rick and Susan smile.)

Horace: If you take us back, we promise we won't cheat!

Rick: Well, it's alright with me! Parents?!

Horace's Dad: Oh, what the heck! (to Horace.) Maybe when you're all done, you can teach ME a think or two! Huh, son?!

Cartman: Y'know, y'guys are right! I'm sick of being the fat kid too! I've been makin' excuses all my life, but I know deep down that if I took responsibility and really tried hard, if we all tried together, well we really CAN lose the weight!

Susan: (to Cartman.) Oh, no! Not you! You're not welcome here anymore!

Fat Kids: (to Cartman.) YEAH!

Cartman: WHAT?!

Rick: (to Cartman.) B'bye!

(Rick and Susan go into the building as Fat Kids follow them.)

Fat Kids: YAAAAY! HOORAY! YAAAAAY! (enter the building.)

(Everyone leaves except Cartman. Cartman is left alone outside.)

Cartman: WELL, SCREW YOU, FAT ASSES! Eh! Snif! (takes out a donut and starts nibbling on it. Starts weeping and sobbing just like Chad did before.) Boo, hoo, hoohoohoo! Yum! (Nibbles some more.)

(Cut to the Set of The Krazy Kenny Show. On Pay Per View. Everything is set up as before. The clock shows five seconds and counts down. The audience counts along with the clock.)

Audience: FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!

Announcer: He did it! (To Junkie posing as Kenny inside Ms. Crabtree.) Come on out, Kenny! (The Junkie DOES NOT come out of Ms. Crabtree's womb.) You made it six hours, Kenny! Come on out of there! (Junkie still stays in. To Ms. Crabtree) Hm! Uh, Ms. Crabtree, maybe you could give 'im a little push!

Ms. Crabtree: (Pushing on the muscles in her uterus.) HMMMMMGH! (The Junkie, playing Kenny, slips out DEAD after being inside her for six hours.)

Audience: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!

(Doctor enters and examines the Junkie who is still dressed as Kenny.)

Doctor: He's dead! The pressure must've killed 'im!

Ms. Crabtree: I TOLD YOU I WAS A TIGHT VIRGIN FLOWER!

Stan: OH, MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY...sort of!

Kyle: YEAH! THEY KIND OF KILLED KENNY's look-a-like! YOU BASTARDS!

Announcer: Well, he gave his life for our amusement, one little boy who dared to be different! Let us never forget Kenny McKormic!

Ms. Crabtree: (Again pushing on the muscles in her uterus.) HMMMMMGH! (some Other Dead Boy wearing glasses slips out of her uterus.)

Announcer: (Looking at the Other Dead Boy.) Who is that?!

(Everybody else looks at the Other Dead Boy.)

(End Credits. Chef sings during the end credits.)

Chef: (Sings.) The prostitute is someone who would love you no matter who you are, what you look like! (Speaks.) Yes, it's true, children! (Sings.) But, that's not why you pay a prostitute! No, you don't pay for her to stay! You payin' her to leave afterwards! This world pays a lot for prostitutes!

(The End.)

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