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Episode 414

Helen Keller: The Musical

(Open to South Park Community Theatre. On stage, the kids are performing the Hellen Keller Story. In this scene, Wendy is playing Hellen's Mother, Stan is playing Hellen's Father, and Kyle is playing a doctor. Stan and Kyle are wearing false beards. Stan and Wendy are set up. Kyle enters and opens and closes a prop door.)

Wendy: (As Mrs. Keller) Doctor! Doctor! Will our daughter be okay?!

Kyle: (As The Doctor) I am sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Keller, but I'm afraid your daughter Hellen still cannot see, hear, or speak!

Wendy: (As Mrs. Keller) Oh, no! No!

Stan: (As Mr. Keller) Der, der, my gid wyf! Der iz nuh-ding we gen due! ("There, there, my good wife! There is nothing we can do!")

Wendy: (As Mrs. Keller) My poor little Hellen!

(Timmy enters wearing a dress and a blond wig and holding a doll. Timmy is playing the part of Hellen Keller.)

Timmy: (As Hellen) TIMMEEEEEEH!

Wendy: (As Mrs. Keller) She can't see or hear, Aston!

Timmy: (As Hellen) EH, AAAAAH! TIMMEEH!

Stan: (As Mr. Keller) Yiz! Berabz zhi zhid guh due ung ehylim! ("Yes! Perhaps she shoudl go to an asylum!")

(Cartman speaks from the front row of the Auditorium. Cartman is directing this production.)

Cartman: Stan, what the hell is wrong with you?! I can't understand your lines!

Stan: 'Cuz duh eerd irts mguh ace! ("'Cause the beard hurts my face!")

Kyle: Can we take a lunch break now?!

Cartman: No! If we wan'our play t'be better than the kindergarten's play, we have to rehearse as much as possible! Now, let's continue the scene!

(The rehearsal continues. Bebe enters, carrying a jug of water, playing the role of Anne Sullivan.)

Bebe: (As Anne) Hello! My name is Anne Sullivan and I believe I can teach this child to communicate!

Stan: (As Mr. Keller) Reri?! Yeh ing sho?! ("Really?! Y'think so?!")

Bebe: (As Anne. Pours some water from the jug onto Timmy's hand.) Water, Hellen! WAH-TERR!

Timmy: (As Hellen) AH, AH! TIMMAH!

Cartman: DAMMIT, TIMMY! HELLEN KELLER'SN'T S'POSED T'TALK!

(Butters enters from the main entrance to the auditorium at the far back.)

Butters: YOU GUYS! WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM! (walks closer to the cast on stage.)

Kyle: What is it, Butters?!

Butters: The kindergarteners! I just came from their dress rehearsal! Oh, it's good, you guys! IT'S REAL GOOD!

Cartman: (steps on stage with everyone else.) How good?!

Butters: They got pilgrim outfits, and in'ians ones too! They got singin' an' dancin', and boy, you never seen such a show! Why, it's a Thanksgiving extravaganza!

Clyde: Oh, no!

Kyle: We can't be out-done by the kindergarteners!

South Park Kids: No! We can't!

Cartman: Alright! Alright! Quiet down! Look! We still got four days until the Thanksgiving festival! That's plenty of time to revamp our play!

Kyle: Revamp how?! The rules are that the fourth grade class HAS to perform the Hellen Keller Story!

Cartman: Yeah, but nobody told us HOW we have to do it! We can add Thanksgiving stuff and music numbers too!

Clyde: Well, we can add music numbers, but how d'we make the Hellen Keller Story more Thanksgivingy?!

Wendy: I know! How 'bout instead of a dog, Hellen Keller has a pet turkey!

Tokken: Yeah! A turkey that can do tricks!

South Park Kids: Yeah!

Cartman: That's the spirit, gang! Alright! Stan and Wendy, you g'out 'n' find some musical instruments! Kenny 'n' Clyde, take some kids 'n' buy some Thanksgiving decorations for the set! Kyle 'n' Timmy, you g'out 'n' find a turkey!

Kyle: Okay!

Cartman: This is gonna be the best version of the Miracle Worker ever!

South Park Kids: YAY!

(Cut to a Turkey Farm. Inside a barn. Kyle and Timmy are looking for a turkey. A Farmer guides the two kids.)

Farmer: What kinda turkey're y'lookin' for?!

Kyle: A smart one that can do tricks!

Farmer: Well, I ain't got a whole left, it bein' almost Thanksgivin' 'n' all! B'go 'head! Just pick one out!

(The farmer shows Kyle and Timmy a bunch of turkeys. Among the flock is a deranged looking turkey who's head and neck are hanging down to one side.)

Timmy: (indicating the deranged turkey.) TIMMEH!

Farmer: Oh! That one's a little messed-up! Not exactly the pick-of-the-litter!

Timmy: (still looking at the deranged turkey.) HAAAAAAAAAA!

Kyle: Uh, Timmy, if we go back to the other kids with THAT turkey, they're gonna be pissed!

Timmy: (indicating the deranged turkey.) TIMMAAAAAH!

Farmer: Yeah! Best ya not take that one! I was just about to take it out in the yard 'n' put a bullet in its head!

Kyle: What?! Aw, dude! Don't say that!

Timmy: (upset about the idea of shooting the deranged turkey.) T'TIMMAH-TIMMAAAAH!

Kyle: Alright! We'll take 'im! How much?!

Farmer: Fifty bucks!

Kyle: B'you were just gonna take it out in the back yard 'n' put a bullet in its head!

Farmer: I know! Now, I gotta find somethin' else t'shoot!

Kyle: Goddammit! (pays the Farmer the fifty bucks.) Here!

(The Farmer picks up the deranged turkey. The turkey lets out a gobble. The Farmer puts the turkey in Timmy's lap.)

Kyle: Alright, Timmy! Let's go!

Farmer: I've got a one-legged pig if you'd like two!

Kyle: AW, BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS! (He and Timmy leave.)

(Cut to South Park Community Theatre. Cartman is introducing the other kids to Geoffry Maynard who has come to help. Geoffry Maynard is an equivalence of Colm Wilkinson. Everyone is on stage.)

Cartman: Guys, I want you all to meet Geoffry Maynard! He's South Park's biggest expert on musical theatre and he played the lead in Les Miserables at the Denver Community Playhouse for five weeks!

South Park Kids: Wow!

Wendy: (to Geoffry Maynard.) Do you think we can make up a good Thanksgiving play in four days?!

Geoffry Maynard: (singing) I would swear it on my life! Your play shall want for nothing!

South Park Kids: HOORAY!

Geoffry Maynard: Now, the first thing any good musical needs is a big opening number! (sings) Something that sets up the entire show!

Cartman: Alright! Places, everybody! Bring in the turkey!

(The deranged turkey from the previous scene, whom Timmy and Kyle have now named "Gobbles", enters. Kyle and Timmy enter after Gobbles.)

Cartman: What the hell is that?!

Kyle: It's a turkey! (pause) His name is Gobbles!

Timmy: GAH-BALZ!

Gobbles: Gobblobla!

Cartman: And where pray is our beautiful trick-performing turkey?!

Kyle: Um, we sort of spent all the money on this one!

Timmy: GAH-BALZ!

Gobbles: Gobblobla!

(Pause)

Cartman: Kyle, can I talk to you over here for a second?! (he and Kyle walk to the other side of the prop door.) Kyle, why d'you do these things to me?!

Kyle: I didn't do anything t'you! Timmy saw the turkey and wanted to get it! Wha'd'you want me to say to him?!

Cartman: You say, "NO, TIMMY! Y'CAN'T HAVE THAT TURKEY! BAD TIMMY!"!

(The other people join and listen to Kyle and Cartman talking as Timmy picks up Gobbles and caresses him.)

Kyle: Look! I know it isn't exactly what we wanted, but maybe we can train it!

Craig: He's not gonna work, Kyle! The whole point was to make our play better than the kindergarteners!

Tokken: Yeah! That turkey sucks!

Geoffry Maynard: (sings) Wait! What's that you say?! A Thanksgiving turkey is what you require! I know of a turkey!

Stan: You do?!

Geoffry Maynard: (sings) During my years on Broadway, I worked with a turkey that could do all kinds of tricks! She even jumped through a hoop of fire!

Cartman: Cool! Can you get it for us?!

Geoffry Maynard: (sings) I will go promptly and call her trainer! On the morrow, you shall have your trick performing turkey!

South Park Kids: ALRIGHT!

(Geoffry Maynard leaves to make the phone call. Timmy leaves with Gobbles in his lap.)

(Cut to Timmy's House. Timmy is in his room and is holding a hoop, as he is trying to train Gobbles to do tricks.)

Timmy: (holding up the hoop.) GAH-BALZ!

(Gobbles just stands there.)

Timmy: GAH-BALZ!

(Gobbles still just stands there. After a few seconds, Gobbles walks gently toward the hoop, sticks his wilting head through it.)

Timmy: Eh, heh! Eh! (as he pushes the hoop against Gobbles' feet, thus forcing Gobbles through the hoop.) HAAAY! GAH-BALZ!

(Gobbles steps back to where he was before. Timmy picks up a lighter and sets the hoop on fire.)

Timmy: (holding up the flaming hoop.) Gah-balz!

(Gobbles just stands there.)

Timmy: GAH-BALZ!

(Gobbles still just stands there and poops.)

(Cut to Cartman's House. Cartman is in his room writing at his desk.)

Cartman: (rolling a piece of paper into a ball and throwing it away.) No, no, no!

(Dee-Ann enters.)

Dee-Ann: Poopsie-kins, it's late! You need to be in bed!

Cartman: I can't sleep, mom! I have to write the lyrics for the opening song about Hellen Keller's Thanksgiving Spectacualar!

Dee-Ann: NOW, HON!

Cartman: But, mom, I have to write these lyrics, so the plight of Hellen Keller can be realized by the common man!

Dee-Ann: Twenty more minutes and that's it! (leaves.)

Cartman: Twenty minutes! Did Tim Rice's mom give HIM twenty minutes to write the lyrics to "Phantom of the Opera"?! (picks up and looks at a picture of the real Hellen Keller.) Speak to me, Hellen! Let me be your voice! (pause.) C'MON, Y'BLIND BITCH! CANNEL YOUR SPIRIT THROUGH ME!

(Cut to Timmy's House. Timmy is sleeping. Gobbles climbs up on Timmy's bed and cuddles up with him. Gobbles goes to sleep as Timmy's hand carresses him.)

(Cut to South Park Community Theatre. The next morning. Clyde is in the spotlight on stage. It is a rehearsal.)

Clyde: Tonight, we present the story of a courageous girl and her fight against depression!

Cartman: (sitting in the empty bleechers with Geoffry Maynard.) Oppression!

Clyde: Oppression! Our play begins in a simpler time, Alabama, in the late eighteen hundreds!

(Music starts. Clyde walks off the stage. The curtains open to an Alabama scene with a little red hous and a water pump. Bebe enters as Anne Sullivan. Kyle enters as a Doctor. Five other cast members, including Kenny, enter.)

South Park Kids: (As Chorus. sing.)

Eighteen hundreds! Alabama!

What a great place and time!

We're so happy that we live in eighteen hundreds, Alabama,

'Cause it's sunny and there is no crime!

Geoffry Maynard: Now, to the refrain!

South Park Kids: (As Chorus. sing.)

And in a little town in eighteen hundreds, Alabama,

There's a family by the name of Keller!

Their daughter's deaf and mute and blind as a bat,

And her parents can't even tell 'er!

(pan to backstage. Clyde is standing as tall slim gentleman named LaManne enters with a pet cage.)

LaManne: Excuse me! I am LaManne, the animal trainer!

Clyde: Oh, cool! He's here!

(Everybody gathers around LaManne.)

Cartman: Awesome! D'ya have a turkey that can do tricks?!

LaManne: Ah, ah! Do not call them "tricks"! She's a very sensitive turkey! She performs "feats", not "tricks"! Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the most beautiful bird in America! Four time prize winner of the National Western Stock Show, and reigning poster child of TURKEYLOVERS.COM, I give you Alanecia! (opens the pet cage and out comes Alanecia, the "feat" performing turkey.)

South Park Kids: Oh! Whoa! Wow!

Bebe: Her feathers are beautiful!

Clyde: That's the prettiest turkey I ever saw!

LaManne: Of course she is!

Alanecia: (with pride.) Blub!

Cartman: Okay! Now we can really get this thing underway! Places, everybody! (the cast goes back on stage.) Where the hell is Timmy?!

(Timmy enters as Hellen Keller and Gobbles is still with him.)

Timmy: TIMMAAAH!

Gobbles: Gobblabla!

LaManne: What is that?!

Cartman: Uh, that's Gobbles, the physically challenged turkey!

(Timmy takes out his hoop and lighter, and he sets the hoop on fire again. Timmy holds the flaming hoop out for Gobbles.)

Timmy: GAH-BALZ! (Gobbles stands still) Gah-balz!

Kyle: Timmy, we already got a turkey!

Clyde: Yeah, and it's from Broadway!

Timmy: (to the other kids. pointing to Gobbles.) Gah-balz!

Cartman: NO, TIMMY! THE HANDICAPPED TURKEY DOES NOT GO IN OUR PLAY!

Kyle: (to Cartman) Dude! Don't forget! Timmy's the only kid who can play Hellen Keller! Don't piss 'im off!

Stan: (still sounding muffly from wearing his beard.) Yeah! That's right! Only Timmy knows the part!

Timmy: (folds his arms with pride.) Tim-meh!

Cartman: Aw, Jesus! Okay, fine! Hellen Keller can have TWO pet turkeys!

Alanecia: (ruffles her feathers in a frenzy.) GOBBLOBLA! GOBBLOBLOBLA! GOBBLOBLA!

LaManne: MY TURKEY DOES NOT WORK WITH OTHER TURKEYS!

Cartman: Oh, goddammit! Now what're we gonna do?!

(Cut to South Park Community Theatre. Later. Outside the Dressing Room. The door opens as we can hear the angry, frenzic gobbles of Alanecia as LaManne is talking to her. Feathers fly everywhere.)

LaManne: (to Alanecia.) Alright! Uh, uh, alright! Alright! Uh, alright! Alright! (closes the door as Cartman enters.)

Cartman: Dude, we need your turkey for our play!

LaManne: She's not comming out! She's very upset! She's pooped all over the room!

Cartman: I know! I know, but listen! Le'me try t'explain the position I'm in here! The retarded turkey belongs to our friend Timmy, and Timmy's the only person who knows the part of Hellen Keller! So, so tell me what I can do here t'make everybody happy?!

LaManne: Kill the other turkey!

Cartman: I can't, dude! Timmy has a boner for it!

LaManne: Well, it could meet with an unfortunate accident!

Cartman: Unfortunate accident?! Y'mean like Geena Davis getting her own TV show?! He, he, he, he! Heh! Oh!

LaManne: It's very simple! Either that turkey meets with an unfortunate accident, or you don't have a feat performing turkey for your Hellen Keller Thanksgiving Musical!

Cartman: Alright! Alright! Just get your turkey t'stop crapping all over the dressing room and come out for rehearsal! I'll take care of everything! (leaves.)

(Cut to the stage. The cast are on stage in the background while Timmy and Bebe, as Hellen Keller and Anne Sullivan respectively, are standing by the water pump. The two turkeys, Alanecia and Gobbles, are standing by Timmy on stage. Cartman, Geoffry Maynard, and LaManne are sitting in front row seats.)

Bebe: (As Anne) Water, Hellen! It has a name! Oh, why can't you understand?!

Timmy: (As Hellen) DEEEH, HAAAH!

(The music starts.)

Bebe: (As Anne. sings) Water, Hellen! Water!

South Park Kids: (As Chorus. sing.) She's never gonna do it! There's no way she'll every do it!

Bebe: (As Anne. sings) Spell it, Hellen! Water, Hellen!

South Park Kids: (As Chorus. sing.) How can she talk if she can't hear?! This is absolutely pointless!

(The music stops.)

Cartman: Okay! Uh, hold it! Uh, let's hold it right there a second! (gets on stage.) Ahem! Okay! I just want to adjust some of the blocking real quick! Let's see! Uh! Why don't we have turkey number two stand just a little bit more over hnya! (Moves Gobbles to another spot on stage.) Let's see! Maybe a little bit more up in hnya! (Moves Gobbles again.) Eh, just a wee bit over hnya! (Moves Gobbles again.) And right about hnya! (Moves Gobbles for the last time.) There we go! Good! (Goes backstage. There is a loud SNAP heard backstage as a rope is loosened and released. A large spotlight lands on Kenny and kills him.)

Stan: AH, MAH GAU! DEY KIL 'ENNY! ("OH, MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!".)

Geoffry Maynard: Aaaaaah! (gets on stage towards Kenny's corpse.)

Cartman: Aw, crap! I musta rigged the wrong light!

Geoffry Maynard: (sings to Kenny's dead body.) Let him rest! In peace, let him rest! Why must he die!

(Butters bursts in from the back of the room again.)

Butters: THEY'VE GOT SPECIAL EFFECTS! (joins the rest on stage.)

Kyle: What, Butters?!

(We can still faintly hear Geoffry Maynard singing his enology to Kenny's death.)

Butters: The kindergarteners! They got amazing stage effects! Pirotechnics and what-have-yous! Why, it's a regular feast for the eyes!

Wendy: Oh, no!

Clyde: We're never gonna out do them now!

South Park Kids: Oh, what're we gonna do now?!

Cartman: Calm down! Calm down! We can have special effects too! Now, I know a lot is going wrong, but we've got to stick together to make this play work! All of us!

(LaManne is frowning.)

Geoffry Maynard: (Still singing to Kenny.) ... And into your hands that give...! Uh! Mm! (pause. leaves.)

(Cut to South Park Community Theatre. Hallway. Timmy is again holding his flaming hoop out for Gobbles who is just standing there.)

Timmy: Gah-balz! (Still, nothing.) Ehaaaaa! Gah-balz!

(The dressing room door opens and out pops LaManne. Timmy puts his hoop away and Gobbles on his lap.)

LaManne: Little boy! (Timmy turns toward him.)

Timmy: Timmeh!

LaManne: Yes! Tim! I feel I must speak with you! The others, well, they don't want you to know, but...oh, I don't know what to do! Should I tell you?!

Timmy: T'Timmeh?!

LaManne: I feel I'm the only one who can be honest with you! The Animal Shelter is on its way to...take your turkey away from you!

Timmy: Gah-balz?!

LaManne: You see?! They don't allow children in your...situation...to have wild animals as pets! You can't take him running! You can't take care of 'em! They have to take it away!

Timmy: Gah-balz!

LaManne: They take wild pets away from people like you and hand them over for experiments, and they're shocked, disected, and flamed while they're still alive, and no matter where you go, the Shelter people will find you! The only way for that turkey to avoid years of torture is for you to...let him go...back into the wild! OH, NO! HERE THEY COME NOW! (Two Gentlemen enter. to Timmy) Quick! Go! And set your turkey free! I'll try to stall them!

Timmy: T'Timmeh! (rolls away on his wheelchair.)

Gentleman #2: Eh, excuse me! We're here to install the water effects for the musical!

LaManne: Eh, the stage is right through there! (points the way.)

Gentleman #2: Thanks!

(The two Gentlemen leave. LaManne smiles.)

(Cut to Cartman's House. Cartman is in his room writing at his desk.)

Cartman: Alright! Got to write the new lyrics! (writes.) Let's see! No! No! NO! GODDAMMIT! (rolls the piece of papar into a ball and throws it away.)

(Geoffry Maynard enters.)

Geoffry Maynard: (sings.) How is it going, Eric?!

Cartman: Terrible! I can't write the lyrics for the third act! Nothing's comming to me!

Geoffry Maynard: Well, you know, in theatre sometimes, we try different tricks to get the creative juices flowing!

Cartman: Like what?!

Geoffry Maynard: Let's see! Hellen Keller was blind and deaf! (sings.) Perhaps you should see what it is like! Deprive yourself of your senses and see what plays inside your mind! Here! (Blindfolds Cartman and puts a set of ear protectors on him as well.)

Cartman: Hey! that's not a bad idea!

Geoffry Maynard: (Sings.) Just relax! Just try to let your mind wander and let the juices flow!

(Blindfolded and ear-covered, Cartman sees the picture of Hellen Keller, a bananna split, a dirty white skull, the top of a brown skull, a decomposing mummy, bombs dropping, a mime clown smiling with his tongue sticking out, a surgury insicion, a blood writing on a wall reading "GO DEAD BE DEAD", war tanks, taranchelas fighting over eggs, police brawls, a snake, a nuclear explosion, eye surgery, a woman screaming, a surgery insicion opened-up, a mouse eating another mouse, a man's mouth being forced open, nazis marching, a man on fire, a ship burning and sinking, and an alien screaming.)

Cartman: Oh, man! (removes the blindfold and ear protectors.)

Geoffry Maynard: Well, did you see anything?!

Cartman: No! Just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes!

Geoffry Maynard: Oh! That's too bad!

Cartman: Wait! I'VE GOT IT! The perfect setup for when Hellen Keller's pet turkey jumps throught the hoop of fire! (starts writing.) Yes! YES! I have it now!

(Cut to a Sub-urban Street in South Park. Timmy is rolling along the street with Gobbles in his lap. Timmy has a vision of LaManne speaking to him.)

LaManne: (vision of his head.) The only way for that turkey to avoid years of torture is for you to...let him go! Let him go! Let him go! (disappears.)

(Timmy stops at takes Gobbles off his lap. He then beacons Gobbles to leave.)

Timmy: Gah-balz! (pointing away. Gobbles only looks in that direction and stands there.) GAH-BALZ! (Timmy starts to leave. Gobbles follows Timmy.)

Gobbles: Gobblobla!

Timmy: (stops and beacons Gobbles to leave.) Gah-balz! Gah-balz! (starts to roll away again as Gobbles follows him. Turns and asks Gobbles to go.) GAH-BALZ! (Gobbles looks at Timmy sadly.) Timmeh! (sheads a tear.) Timmeh, Gah-balz! (rolls away. Gobbles is left alone.)

(Pan to a Father and his little boy named Kevin.)

Kevin: Daddy, why did Mommy leave and go to heaven?!

Kevin's Father: She didn't want to, Kevin! She had no choice!

Kevin: But I miss her!

Kevin and his Father: (start crying.) BOO HOO! BOO HOO! BOO HOO! BOO HOO!

(Pan to an Old Man and his 50 year Old Son.)

Old Man: I could have done so much more with my life, son! I've wasted it! I've wasted it not ever telling you and Monica, I love you!

Old Man and Old Son: (start crying.) Boo hoo hoo! Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Boo hoo hoo hoo!

(Pan to a little Girl and the dead carcass of her dog.)

Girl: (crying) ROBBIE! ROBBIE! NO! BOO HOO! BOO HOO HOO!

(Pan to a Husband and Wife.)

Wife: (sobbing.) Because now, everytime I look at you, snif, I see her! I have to move on!

Husband: Kelly, please don't do this! I'm sorry!

Wife: (sobbing.) THEN WHY DID YOU DO IT?! BOO HOO HOO!

Husband: (sobbing and crying.) I DON'T KNOW! BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

(Pan to a Message Giving Lady.)

Message Giving Lady: Have you done the right things in YOUR life?!

(Pan to the dark stary sky.)

(Cut to South Park Community Theatre. Performance Night. Sharron sits next to Sheila in the audience.)

Sharron: Hi, Sheila!

Sheila: Hello, Sharron! Where's your husband?!

Sharron: Oh, he's in the back! He set up a video camera so that he could tape the performance!

Sheila: Oh! So did Gerald!

(A view of the audience. At the back, there is a crowd of men with video cameras including Randy and Gerald. In the front are a few people without video cameras. Pan to where Randy and Gerald are staning.)

Gerald: Oh, yeah! I got a great angle here!

Randy: Hey, Gerald! Maybe after the show, we can make copies of each other's tapes so we have both!

Gerald: Good idea!

(Pan to Backstage. The cast are in costume.)

Kyle: (To Stan) So wait! Do we do that spin-around thing on the last beat?!

Stan: Nuh! Izunda endada ait! ("No! It's on the end of the eight!")

Kyle: (To Timmy) Y'ready for the big show, Timmy?!

Stan: Wrz Gublz, Tymy?! ("Where's Gobbles, Timmy?!")

Timmy: (Saddened by the loss of Gobbles. ) Gah-balz!

(Cartman enters.)

Cartman: Alright, everybody! Let's take our places!

Kyle: Cartman, where's Timmy's turkey?!

Cartman: I d'know! (Stan and Kyle fold their arms and stare at Cartman.) I don't know, y'guys! Alright! Maybe I tried to have Timmy's turkey crushed by a stage light, but I didn't do anything else! I'm not an asshole!

(Pan to another part of Backstage where LaManne and Alanecia are standing.)

LaManne: You're going to be brilliant, you sexy, gorgeous turkey! With that other meddling animal out of the way, you'll steal the show!

Alanecia: Blubla!

(Cut to South Park Street. Gobbles is walking along the sidewalk. The turkey starts crossing the street as a car nearly runs him over. A blue truck approaches Gobbles. A Trucker sees Gobbles.)

Trucker: Well, well! What're you doin' out here?! You shouldn't be out walking the streets! (picks up Gobbles and puts him into his blue truck.)

Gobbles: Gobblobla!

(The blue truck comes into full view. It reads "Uncle Joe's Fresh Turkey. Succulent and Juicy Turkeys!". The Trucker gets into his blue truck and drives away.)

(Cut to inside the Turkey Truck. Gobbles is riding as he sees a flock of other turkeys riding along. Gobbles sees a sign that reads "Thanksgiving Turkey. Killed Humanely.". Gobbles looks at the other turkeys and hangs his head in dispair.)

(Cut to South Park Community Theatre. The performance is about to begin. Mr. Garrison takes the stage to give the opening introduction.)

Mr. Garrison: Hello, parents, and welcome to the Thirteenth Annual South Park Thanksgiving Pagent!

(Pan to the audience where Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria are sitting.)

Mr. Mackey: Every year, the fourth graders do the Miracle Worker, and every year, I have to sit and watch it!

Principal Victoria: Yeah! I swore that if I had to see it one more time, I'd put a bullet in my head! But luckily, I got really stoned before I came!

(Pan to the stage where Mr. Garrison is standing.)

Mr. Garrison: And now, here it is! The touching story of Hellen Keller! The Miracle Worker! (leaves.)

(Applause from the audience. The music starts. The curtains open. The cast is on stage. There is a large sign in lights reading "Hellen Keller". There are also some acrobats doing their thing around the cast of South Park Kids.)

South Park Kids: (As Chorus. Sing) Hellen Keller! Hellen Keller! Blind as a bat! She can't hear or speak! What's up with that?!

(Pan to the audience where Dee-Ann, Sheila, and Sharron are sitting.)

Sheila: This is the Miracle Worker?!

Sharron: I...well...maybe!

(Pan to where Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria are sitting.)

Principal Victoria: (apparently stoned.) Oh! Oh! Eh, ha ha! Wow!

(Cut to a Turkey Farm. The blue truck, in which Gobbles is traveling, pulls up to a grey building marked "Building 2B" which is apparently an Indoor Turkey Coop. All the turkeys in the truck, including Gobbles, are unloaded into the Indoor Turkey Coop.)

(Pan to inside the Indoor Turkey Coop. All the turkeys are loaded in from a shoot, including Gobbles. The turkeys are gobbling and gobbling like crazy. Gobbles finds the same sign as he found before that reads "Our Turkeys are killed Humanely!!!". A Helper enters and leads the turkeys into another room.)

Helper: C'MON! H'YAH! MOVE IT! (The turkeys enter the room, including Gobbles.)

(Pan into the room. The door is closed on all the turkeys that have entered, including Gobbles. The turkeys are gobbling. The light are turned off. A film is shown of green pastures, sunny skies with nice white fluffy clouds, and a gorgeous waterfall, all with sweet, relaxing, and rejuvenating music. The turkeys are mesmorized. Suddenly, the lights go on and a large buzzsaw comes out of the wall through a slot and chops off the heads of all the turkeys present except Gobbles' head. Gobbles' head was hanging on the floor as always, which is his physical derangement, and thus, he survives the dreaded beheading buzzsaw. Pan outside. All the dead turkeys, and Gobbles still alive, are pushed out onto a blue shipping truck to be sold for thanksgiving. Gobbles jumps out of the truck and is now free, but not for long as Jimbo, Ned, and their three hunting friends come out with their rifles and spot Gobbles.)

Jimbo: HOLY CROW! LOOK, BOYS! A REAL LIVE WILD TURKEY!

(Gobbles spots the team of hunters.)

Gobbles: Gobblobla! (starts running away.)

Jimbo: IT'S TRYING T'OUT-SMART US! C'MON, FELLAS! (the hunters chase after Gobbles.)

(Cut to South Park Community Theatre. The performance goes on. Wendy is on stage as Mrs. Keller in the setting of Mr. and Mrs. Keller's bedroom.)

Wendy: (As Mrs. Keller. Sings.) John, come quick! Our little baby's very sick! When I snap, she doesn't flinch and then she doesn't move an inch!

(Stan enters.)

Stan: (As Mr. Keller. Sings.) Wellut kenut bih! Gardinuras garanie! ("Well, that cannot be! Darling, you are scaring me!".)

Wendy: (As Mrs. Keller. Sings.) She can't hear me, John! Watch! HELLEN!

Stan: (As Mr. Keller.) HELLEN!

Wendy: (As Mrs. Keller.) HELLEN! (The audience watches in awe. Wendy continues to sing.) I think our baby's deaf and blind! Oh, no!

Stan: (As Mr. Keller. Sings.) Oh, no!

Wendy: (As Mrs. Keller. Sings.) Oh, no! Oh, no!

(The curtains close. Alanecia enters. The spotlight opens on Aleneica as the music changes. Alenecia, the feat-performing turkey, steps on a platform and walks across a little tightrope onto another platform. Next, she jumps through a black hoop landing on a third platform. Finally, she removes a red sheet revealing a sign that says "Scene 2 - Eight Years Later". Alanecia curtsees to the audience. A few people clap a little. The audience is too stunned, at how brilliant a show they are watching, to applaud.)

(Pan Backstage. LaManne stands watching his turkey and Timmy is waiting dressed as Hellen Keller.)

LaManne: She's brilliant! Everyone loves her so far!

(The two Gentlemen enter, the same gentleman whom LaManne told Timmy were people from the Animal Shelter there to take Gobbles away from Timmy, but who are really the plummers for the Water Effects of the play. Timmy is a little scared. Cartman enters after the Gentlemen.)

Cartman: Hey! The fountains y'guys installed are shorting out some of our lights!

Gentleman #2: Look! We're only here t'do the water effects! We're not in charge of electrical! That's a different union!

(The two gentlemen leave.)

Timmy: Timmeh?! (Realizing who these two Gentlemen really are rather than people from the Animal Shelter as LaManne told him.)

Cartman: UNION MAFIA BASTARDS! (leaves.)

(Timmy stares at LaManne as he now realizes that LaManne has lied to him.)

LaManne: (Trying to ease Timmy's anger.) Oh! Heh! Well, look, Tim! All's fair in love in theatre! Right?! Hah hah!

Timmy: (Throws his wig on the floor.) GAAAH-BAAAALZ! (Speeds away to look for Gobbles.)

(Cut to South Park Community Theatre. Later. Backstage. The Cast is getting ready for the next scene. Cartman enters.)

Cartman: Where is Timmy?! He's on in one minute!

Kyle: He's gone, dude! Butters says he saw him leave!

Cartman: LEAVE?! LEAVE?! B'nobody else knows th'part of Hellen Keller!

(Geoffry Maynard enter.)

Geoffry Maynard: I do! I know the part! If I must, I can go on!

Cartman: Alright! Fine! Get in costume!

(Cut to South Park Street. Timmy rolls along looking for Gobbles.)

Timmy: GAAAH-BAAAALZ! GAAAH-BAAAALZ!

(Cut to the Turkey Farm. Gobbles is still running away from Jimbo, Ned, and his three hunting buddies.)

Jimbo: (Readys his rifle.) THERE IT IS! (The hunters all ready their rifles.) HEY, HEY! I SAW IT FIRST! I GET THE FIRST SHOT! (looks through his targeting scope.) Here, turkey, turkey! (Aims for Gobbles' ass.)

(Cut to South Park Community Theatre. Stan is on stage as Mr. Keller, Wendy as Mrs. Keller, Geoffry Maynard as Hellen, and Kyle as the Doctor.)

Wendy: (As Mrs. Keller.) There is nothing we can do for our poor daughter! We cannot reach her!

Geoffry Maynard: (As Hellen. Sings.) I cannot hear what they are saying! I cannot tell them how I feel!

(Pan Backstage where Cartman is looking at the script.)

Cartman: 'The Hell is he doing?! Hellen Keller'sn't s'posed t'sing!

(Pan back to stage.)

Geoffry Maynard: (As Hellen. Sings.) If only I could say things that go on in my mind!

(Pan to where Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria are sitting.)

Principal Victoria: (stoned.) Oh, wow!

(Cut to Turkey Farm. Gobbles is standing there in Jimbo's shooting range. Jimbo is still standing with Ned and his three hunting buddies.)

Jimbo: That's it! THAT'S IT!

(Timmy enters and sees his turkey in trouble.)

Timmy: GAH-BALZ! (Sees the hunters.)

Jimbo: GOTCHA!

Timmy: GAAAAAAAAH-BAAAAAAALZ! (Jumps out of his wheelchair in front of Gobbles to protect him.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Jimbo fires his rifle and Timmy is wounded and lying still. Gobbles has survivied. Jimbo and his hunting friends are worried about the possiblility of having killed a handicapped boy, and so, the hunters, except for Jimbo and Ned, leave whistling. Gobbles shakes and pecks Timmy's head, thus waking Timmy up.)

Timmy: T'Timmeh?! G'Gah-balz?! (Fully wakes up.) GAH-BALZ! (Finds the bullet hole in his arm and caresses it.) Haaaaaaah!

(Jimbo and Ned walk over to him.)

Jimbo: H'ah! Thank God you're alright, kid! It was an accident! I swear! Uh, is there any way we can make it up to you?!

Timmy: (Does a little thinking and appears to have come up with a plan.) Timmeh!

(Cut to South Park Community Theartre. On Stage, Bebe and Geoffry Maynard are respectively portraying Anne Sullivan pouring water from a water pump onto the hands of Hellen Keller.)

Bebe: (As Anne.) Yes! That's it! That's it, Hellen! Water! WAH-TER!

Geoffry Maynard: (As Hellen.) Wa-wa!

Bebe: (As Anne.) SHE DID IT!

(The South Park Kids enter in costume.)

South Park Kids: (As Chorus. Sing.) She did it! She did it! Water! Water, water, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Three fountains on stage start gushing large amounts of water.) Water, Hellen! Water! We can't believe she did it! The dumb kid really did it! Water, Hellen! Water!

Geoffry Maynard: (As Hellen. Sings.) And now that I can communicate, the world is not so cold and dark!

(Pan backstage. Cartman slaps his head at Geoffry Maynard. Pan on stage.)

South Park Kids: (As Chorus. Sing.) WATER, HELLEN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (The three water gushers from the fountains rise higher and water splashes all over the stage.)

(Pan backstage where LaManne and Alanecia await their finale.)

LaManne: Here it comes, angel! Your big finale! The audience is going to go wild! (Timmy enters with his arms folded, his eyebrows crossed, and Gobbles by his side.) Oh! Back already?! Don't worry! Maynard covered your part flawlessly!

Timmy: TIMMEH!

(Jimbo, Ned, and their hunting buddies enter with their rifles.)

Jimbo: TURKEY SHOOT!

(All the hunters draw their rifles and shoot Alanecia dead.)

LaManne: AH! ALANECIA! JESUS! NO!

Timmy: Aaaaaaah! Timmeh!

(Cartman and Kyle enter.)

Cartman: Okay! We're ready for the... (sees the dead carcass of Alanecia, the feat-performing turkey. Nobody notices yet, but Gobbles goes missing from the picture.) WHAT THE HELL DID YOU ASSHOLES DO?! THIS IS S'POSED T'BE TH'BIG FINALE WHERE THE TURKEY JUMPS THROUGH THE RING OF FIRE!

Kyle: (Points toward the stage.) Hey, look! (They all look on stage.)

(Pan to stage. There is a flaming hoop at centre stage. Gobbles approaches the burning hoop, puts his head through, and then steps through it with ease.)

(Pan to where Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria are sitting.)

Principal Victoria: Whoa! Oh, wow! WOW! (Applauds.)

(The audience applauds, and soon, it develops into a standing ovation.)

(Pan Backstage.)

Cartman: They love it! THEY LOVE IT!

Timmy: GAH-BALZ!

(Cut to South Park Community Theatre. Later That Evening. Mr. Garrison takes the stage again.)

Mr. Garrison: And finally tonight, parents, we have the South Park Kindergarten Class! Their play is titled "Thanksgiving Boname"! (leaves.)

(Pan backstage. The South Park Kids are watching after having successfully performed their excellent piece of music theatre.)

Stan: 'Kay! Here we go!

Kyle: Dude! It just can't be better than ours! IT JUST CAN'T BE!

(Pan to Stage. The curtains open to some kindergarteny scenery of a cabin and a teepee. There is also a fake bullet hole in one central piece of scenery. There is a long table with eight chairs. Four Kindergarten Kids enter wearing Pilgrim costumes.)

Kindergarten Kids: (Sing.) It's getting dinner! Lets' all eat! E-I-E-I-O! (The four Pilgrim Kindergarteners sit at the table.) And on our dinner, we'll find some Indians! (Four other Kindergarten Kids, including Ike, enter dressed as Indians.) E-I-E-I-O! With an Indian here and an Indian there! Everywhere an Indian, Indian! (The four Indian Kindergarteners sit at the table with the Pilgrims. Now, the Kindergarten Kids are making believe that they are thankful for stuff.) Oh, thanks! Thanks!

(There is an explosion from behind the fake bullet hole representing a shot from a rifle. A Kindergarten Girl, dressed as a Pilgrim, is scared.)

Kindergarten Girl: SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAM! (gets up from her chair and runs away.)

(A Kindergarten Boy, dresssed as an Indian, pushes a wooden roller-horse onto the stage.)

Kindergarten Kids: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

(The curtains close. Mr. Garrison takes the stage for the last time.)

Mr. Garrison: Alright! See ya next year, parents!

(There is a silent applause from the audience.)

(Cut to backstage where the South Park Kids are standing.)

Cartman: That's it?!

Stan: We worked our asses off to compete with THAT?!

Kyle: BUTTERS TOLD US THEIR PLAY WAS AWESOME!

(Pause.)

Butters: (Still marvels at the Kindergarteners' production which he still sees as beign brilliant despite what the other kids think.) Wow! Did you see that?! They had a horse too!

(Zoom in on Timmy with Gobbles on his lap.)

Timmy: GAH-BAAALZ! Timmeh!

(The End. Closing Credits.)

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