E-mail to a friend Link to us!

Episode 412

Fourth Grade

(Open to School. Hallway. Kids are all over the hallway and judging from the banner that reads "Welcome Back!", it is the first day of school. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand before the door that reads "Fourth Grade".)

Stan: Well, here we are, dude! The first day of Fourth Grade!

Kyle: Yeah! No more getting pushed around by Fourth-Graders!

(Three Fifth-Graders approach the four kids and two of them knock Kyle and Stan down to the ground.)

Fifth-Grader #1: G'outta my way, y'li'l dorks!

(Stan and Kyle get up.)

Kyle: Hey! We're Fourth-Graders now too! 

Fifth-Grader #1: Yeah, but now we're Fifth-Graders, y'stupid Fourth-Graders, s'move it!

(The Fifth-Graders beat Stan and Kyle down again and leave. Stan and Kyle get up again.)

Kyle: Aw, gay, dude!

Stan: Dude, we gotta find some Third-Graders t'beat up! (sees a Third-Grader and beacons him.) Hey, c'm'ere!

(The Third-Grader enters.)

Third-Grader: What?!

Stan: What grad're you going into?!

Third-Grader: Third!

Stan: STUPID THIRD-GRADER!

Cartman: (pushes the Third-Grader down.) YEAH! GET OUTTA HERE!

Third-Grader: (gets up) Ow!

Cartman: There! That's better! (Third-Grader leaves.)


Kyle: Y'know, I heard our Fourth Grade teacher's some new lady from Denver!

Stan: Denver?!

Cartman: Ah, dude! We can walk all over her!

Kyle: He's right! We have to take a hard stance right now and establish that WE'RE the dominant ones in this relationship!

Stan: Alright! (All the other kids, which we all know from all previous episodes, enter. Stan beacons them all.) Hey, listen up, everybody! We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves! (meaning to say "...assert ourselves!") Let's all do something radical!

Clyde: Like what?!

Stan: Like...uh, how 'bout right at eight-thirty-five, we all jump up on our desks, pull down our pants and shout "Kiss my ass!" altogether!

South Park Kids: YEAH!

Cartman: Dude, that's perfect!

Butters: But when we pull our pants down, should we stand frontways or back?! I mean, do we show our...behinds or our w'weiners?! 

Stan: I think showing our asses will be quite sufficient, butters!

Butters: Uh, uh, maybe we could stand like this w'with our weiners pokin' through the back of our legs, y'know, and giv'er a nice fruit bowl!

Kyle: Yeah, or we could just show our asses!

Stan: Okay, so it's decided! When the clock hits eight-thirty-five, we all stand up on our desks, pull down our pants, and yell "Kiss my ass!"!

Kyle: Together we are stong!

South Park Kids: YEAH!

Clyde: Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling his pants down! (indicating the retarded kid in the wheelchair.)

Stan: We got you covered, Timmy!

Timmy: TIMMAY!

(Cut to the Fourth Grade Classroom. The school-bell rings. All the kids enter and take thier seats.)

Kyle: Whoa, dude! This is our new classroom?!

Butters: Uh'uh, look at all this stuff!

Cartman: Hey! What the hell's with these little half-desks?!

Stan: Dude, look at the walls! (indicating the alphabet written in Writing rather than Printing as in Third-Grade.) Everything is written in some strange foreign language!

(Ms. Choksondik enters. She is the new Fourth-Grade teacher.)

Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children! Quiet down! Welcome to the Fourth-Grade! 

(Everyone looks at Ms. Choksondik who has huge dangling hooters that rock back and forth like two waterballoon pendulums. Not very attractive.)

Kyle: Holy God, dude!

Kenny: {Her titties are fuckin' huge!}

Ms. Choksondik: My name is Ms. Choksondik! (writes it on the blackboard.)

Stan: (whispers to Kyle.) More like Ms. Makes-Me-Sick! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Kyle: Yeah! (he, Stan, and Cartman start gigling until Ms. Choksondik stops them.)

Ms. Choksondik: PLAYTIME IS OVER, CHILDREN! D'YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! (the kids are all quieted.) I don't know how your last teacher behaved, but THIS IS THE FOURTH GRADE, AND IT IS TIME TO GO TO WORK!

(Cartman looks at the clock which then stricks eight-thirty-five.)

Cartman: Heh, heh, heh! (stands up on his desk, pulls down his pants and shows his ass to the new teacher.) KISS MAH ASS! (much to his surprise, Cartman realizes that all the other kids are still staring at the teacher when they were suppose to do the same thing that Cartman just did as was planned before class.) Aw! Weak, y'guys! Seriously weak!

Ms. Choksondik: Well, young man, I hope you have a good explaination for this!

Cartman: (still showing his ass.) Oh, I'm sure I do!

Ms. Choksondik: This is the Fourth Grade! You need to grow up!

Cartman: (still showing his ass.) I'm trying!

Ms. Choksondik: Now, get back to your desk and write a thousand word essay on why you feel you need to disrupt my class!

Cartman: (pulls up his pants and sits down.) Fantastic, then!

Ms. Choksondik: Now, let us begin our First Day Exam!

South Park Kids: AW!

Ms. Choksondik: SILENCE!

(Cut to School. Ouside. Dismissal time. All the children exit the school.)

Stan: WHAT A BITCH!

Kyle: And did you see her lazy eye?! You can't even tell who she's looking at!

Cartman: (sill angry about being the only one who mooned the teacher in class.) Y'guys are all such PUSSIES!

Tweek: I can't take it, man! Writing in cursive! Fractions! I CAN'T DO IT!

(the mood starts to get soft and bitter.)

Stan: This is it! The end of innocence! This is the loss of that playful youth all our parents warned us about!

Kyle: I just didn't think it would come so soon!

Cartman: Yeah! Only now do we realize how much we took the Third Grade for granted!

Kyle: Huh?!

Cartman: Everything was great in Third Grade, and now that it's all over, we're starting to see just how special it was! (sings.)

Remember how it used to be in the Third Grade!
We used to laugh and play and cherrish each day in the Third Grade!
We learned wonderous things from our teacher so nice!
Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy bear smiles!
The world seemed to all make sence!
But that sence seems to slowly fade after Third Grade!

In Third Grade, we used to write with crayons!
We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue!
We had warm cookies and hearts full of love!
And there wasn't a care in the world for me, but for you!
There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade!
Just to go back for one minute to Third Grade! (voice cracks. The song ends.)

Clyde: (starts crying.) WAA-AA-AA-AA-AA-AA! (Butters comforts him.)

Kyle: Wow! I'd alread forgotten how great Third Grade was!

Butters: Uh, sure was!

Cartman: Wish I was still there!

Stan: Hey! That's it! We gotta go back to Third Grade!

Kyle: How?!

Stan: We travel back in time!

Cartman: Oh, yes! Time travel!

Butters: Uh, how'we gonna do that?! Uh, does it hurt?! I d'wanna do it if it hurts, or if it makes y'get all sticky!

Stan: It can't be that bad! People do it on TV all the time!

Cartman: Yeah! We just have to find somebody who knows how how to do it!

Kyle: W'what about those two college guys next door to me! They're always doing science experiments in their basement!

Cartman: Yeah! If there's a way to travel back in time, those two dorks'll know how!

(Cut to College Guys' Basement. These two guys have a laboratory set behind them with a few computers, test tubes, beakers and stuff. College Guy #1 is wearing a shirt saying "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!". Gollege Guy #2's shirt sayis "YEAH, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!". All the kids are gathered around listenting to the two College Guys as they are talking.)

College Guy #1: When it comes to time traveling theory, there are basically two schools of thought! The Spock Theory is that a slingshot around the sun could create a wormhole in which time could not escape! The Lt. Com. David Theory however is that a magnetic vibration could create a rip in the time-space continuum!

Cartman: Look! Whatever it takes, we just have to get back to Third Grade!

College Guy #2: Time travel is no laughing matter! Four times, the Enterprise traveled back in time, and four times, they almost didn't make it back!

Stan: We don't WANT to make it back! We wanna stay there!

College Guy #1: Oh!

Kyle: So can you do it?!

College Guy #2: It's all theoretical, but from a scientific stand point, the creation of a rip in space-time is possible! We just need to find an inertia device!

College Guy #1: Hey! This kid's electric wheelchair might be just what we need! (indicates Timmy's wheelchair.)

Timmy: Ti'Timmeh?!

(Cut to School. Principal's Office. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Chef are gathered around.)

Principal Victoria: Oh! This new Fourth Grade Teacher is driving me nuts!

Chef: What's the problem?!

Mr. Mackey: Uh, you see, Chef, Miss Choksondik has very large, uh, honkers, and she doesn't seem to like wearing a bra!

Chef: Y'call that a problem?! That sounds like heaven to me!

Mr. Mackey: No! It's really not as nice as you might imagine, Chef! M'kay!

(Ms. Choksondik enters. Her breast wave back and forth as she speaks.)

Ms. Choksondik: Principal Victoria, I would like a word!

Chef: (looks at the new teacher) OOOH! CALL THE DOCTOR!

Ms. Choksondik: My new students are the most misbehaved, illiterate, brain-dead group of children I have ever come across!

Principal Victoria: Well, Ms. Choksondik, those children did fairly well in the Third Grade!

Ms. Choksondik: ONE OF THEM IS MENTALY HANDICAPPED, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Principal Victoria: Oh?! Which one?!

Ms. Choksondik: THE ONE IN THE WHEELCHAIR! Look! I would like to have a talk with last-year's teacher! Who was it?! Mister, uh eh, Garrison?!

(Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey look at each other.)

Principal Victoria: I'm afraid that's impossible! Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison since the last school year ended!

Ms. Choksondik: Why?! Where did he go?!

Mr. Mackey: We...don't like to talk about it!

Ms. Choksondik: But I need help reaching these kids! I have nothing but the highest expectations for them, AND WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS,...! (Raises her arm which lifts up her shirt revealing her two dangling nipples.)

Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Chef: AAAW!

Ms. Choksondik: ...I'M GOING TO TEACH THESE KIDS THE WONDERS OF THE WORLD, SO THAT THEY CAN REACH THE TOP! (Raises both her arm revealing her nipples again.)


Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Chef: SHRIEK!

Ms. Choksondik: I hope that sometime very soon, you will let me in on what happened to this Mr. Garrison, and with that, I will bid you good day!

Principal Victoria: (looking away, hiding her eyes.) Well, sure thing! Fine! Bye, bye, then!

(Ms. Choksondik Leaves.)

Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Chef: Sigh!

(Chef hurls.)

(Cut to School. Fourth Grade Classroom. The next day. All the kids are wearing safety goggles. The two College Guys are behind them wearing Safety Goggles and whitelab coats holding remote controls.)

College Guy #1: Alright! When we power up the handicapped kid's chair, we'll accellerate at a high rate of speed about ten feet that way, (points to the front of the class where the chalkboard is.) then make the required magnetic vibrations!

College Guy #2: If the fields are right, it should then create a wormhole up near the front of the classroom!

Wendy: You guys don't actually think this is going to work! Do you?!

College Guy #1: Now w'when you all see the wormhole, y'you guys are gonna have about four 4.2 seconds to run through it!

College Guy #2: And on the other side, you will find yourself in the exact same spot, only one year ago!

Stan: Back in the Third Grade!

South Park Kids: Cool!

Kyle: I can't wait until the teacher yells at us this time, and we all tell her to suck our balls!

South Park Kids: Yeah!

Stan: Oh! Here she comes!

(Ms. Choksondik enters.)

Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children! I hope you all did your homework last night! Please pass your papers up to the front!

(Cartman stands up on his desk.)

Cartman: SUCK MAH BALLS!! (none of the other kids do the same as they were supposed to.) Oh, goddammit, y'guys! I'm so seriously! (sits down.)

Ms. Choksondik: I said, pass your papers to the fron-te!

Cartman: (asserting himself) We didn't do our homework, Miss Makes-Me-Sick! We didn't feel like it!

Ms. Choksondik: IT'S CHOKSONDIK, AND YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HAVE DETENTION!

Cartman: Ha, ha! S'right you are, teacher! I'm afraid we have different plans! (to the College Guys) Gentlemen!

College Guy #1: (operates his remote control) Primary fusion initiated!

College Guy #2: (operates his remote control) Molecular creniking active!

(Timmy's wheelchair starts vibrating as its wheels are spinning and it's staying in place so far.)

Timmy: Aah!

Ms. Choksondik: WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!

Cartman: We're going back in time to the Third Grade! Goodbye, teacher! Perhaps we shall see you in another year! Ha, ha!

(College Guy #1 flips a switch on his remote control and Timmy's Wheelchair moves forward at a tremendous speed and force.)

Timmy: TIMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Timmy and his wheelchair smash right through the chalkboard and Timmy just rides off.) TIMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAH! AAAAAAAAAH! (just disappears from visual sight with no wormholes, nothing magical, nothing amazing, and nothing scientifical. Just like a cowboy riding off into the sunset.)

College Guy #1: I didn't think it would work!

College Guy #2: Me neither!

Ms. Choksondik: (to the College Boys) Well, well, well! I'd say somebody has some explaining to do!

Cartman: (to the College Boys) YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, THEY DO!

Kyle: Dude! Timmy's chair is packed with all that stuff! We gotta help 'im!

Stan: Yeah!

Kyle: C'mon!

(All the South Park Kids leave through the hole in the chalkboard wall which Timmy and his wheelchair had left.)

Ms. Choksondik: Children! Children, come back here!

(Cut to South Park Street. Timmy is riding his wheelchair down the street as a few cars pass him.)

Timmy: AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! (rides off as all the kids and the Two College Guys enter chasing after him.)

Stan: TIMMY, YOU HAVE TO STOP!

College Guy #1: No!

Stan: NO?!

College Guy #1: Look! The seat will malfunction! If he stops, the nuclear core could make its magnetic field and the whole chair would blow sky high!

Kyle: What?! TIMMY, YOU'VE GOTTA GET OFF THAT CHAIR!!

College Guy #1: NO!

Kyle: NO?!

College Guy #2: We've rigged the chair to be sensitive to his weight! If he gets off, the whole thing blows!

Stan: So if Timmy drops his speed below five miles-an-hour, the chair blows, and if he gets off, the chair blows?!

College Guys: Yup!

Stan: My God!

(Cut to News 4 Live Update. The reporter is shown as the side screen reveals Timmy riding his wheelchair down the road, and we can hear him hollaring.)

News Reporter #1: It's been over three hours since the police first showed up on the scene of a handicapped boy's wheelchair set with explosives!

(Cut to outside of TELE'S TV STORE. The four boys and the two College Guys enter.)

Stan: OVER HERE! OVER HERE!

(They all watch the News 4 Live Update.)

News Reporter #1: The child can't stop or get off the chair without risking explosion, and so the SWAT team will now attempt to disarm the device!

(Pan to streets where Timmy is still riding his dangerously explosive wheelchair. People are watching Timmy cheering him on with signs reading "Good Luck, Timmy!" and "Chin Up, Little Fella!".)

Timmy: TIMMEEEEEEEEH!

(Pan to the SWAT Helicopter above. A SWAT Cop is dangling from a wire. The helicopter swoops down close to Timmy's wheelchair.)

SWAT Cop #1: Closer! (they swoop closer and he grabs hold of the wheelchair. To Timmy) Don't worry, son! Just watch your speed and stay still!

(There are two hitchhiking girls up ahead of Timmy and The SWAT COP which the SWAT Chopper Driver spots.)

SWAT Chopper Driver: LOOK OUT, HANSON!

(Timmy runs into one of the Hitchhiking Girls. The Hitchhiking Girls lands on the wheelchair, bumps off the SWAT Cop, and is now riding the dangerous wheelchair on Timmy's lap.)

SWAT Cop #1: AW! (as he's bumped off.)

Hitchhiking Girl: WAAAH!

Timmy: TIMMAAAAH!

SWAT Cop #1: Dear Jesus! Hang on, lady!

Hitchhiking Girl: Oh, my God! What's going on?!

SWAT Cop #1: Ma'am! Be very careful! That wheelchair is set to explode!

Hitchhiking Girl: What?! AAAAH! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! (Starts going into a frenzy.)

SWAT Cop #1: It's okay! Just stay calm and keep the speed above five!

Hitchhiking Girl: Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! (Fidgets a little more and accidentally give Timmy a peek up her dress.)

Timmy: Ti'Timmeh?!

Hitchhiking Girl: Okay! I got the speed at five!

SWAT Cop #1: Good! What's the wheelchair's battery power at?!

(We see the Battery Power remaining at ninteen minutes and fourty-six seconds.)

Hitchhiking Girl: HUH! OH, MY GOD! LESS THAN TWENTY MINUTES!

(Cut to outside of TELE'S TV STORE. The four boys and the two College Guys are still watching.)

Stan: Less than twenty minutes?!

Kyle: Oh, no! What've we done?!

(Cut to Principal's Office. Principal Victoria is showing Chef and Mr. Mackey a gigantic bra which she has bought for Ms. Choksondik.)

Principal Victoria: Wha'd'ya think?! Too forward?!

(Ms. Choksondik storms in.)

Ms. Choksondik: I HAVE HAD IT!

Principal Victoria: (startled.) WAAAH! (Throws the bra aside.)

Ms. Choksondik: These children are out of control! I must speak with their last-year's teacher Mr. Garrison!

(The three others look at each other.)

Principal Victoria: As we said before, that's impossible!

Ms. Choksondik: What in God's name happened to him?!

Chef: Uh, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Garrison had several, uh, emotional issues! He was a closet homosexual who hated gay people! Whenever someone asked him if he was gay, he'd go nuts!

Principal Victoria: Then he was accused of trying to solicit sex from a young boy!

Mr. Mackey: After being dismissed from teaching, he went off to write romance novels! His first novel sold very well and everything was fine until he found out that his novel won the Gay Pulitzer Prize and was considered the best homo-erotic novel since "Hunkleberry Finn"!

Principal Victoria: He finally snapped and had a nervous breakdown and went up into the mountains to live in solitude!

Chef: Some say that on cold nights, you can still hear'im moanin' "I'm not gay!", "I'm not gay!".

(The group is silent as we hear the shouting voice of Mr. Garrison in the background from a far distantce.)

Mr. Garrison: (from far away) IIIII'm noooooot gaaaaaaaaaay!

Ms. Choksondik: And nobody has found him?!

Mr. Mackey: W'well, we haven't really l'looked!

Ms. Choksondik: I see! Then the only way I'll find the secret to teaching these kids is to go up into those mountains and find Mr. Garrison myself! (a little black kitten walks up and cuddles up with her.)

Principal Victoria: But he could be anywhere up high in those mountains!

Ms. Choksondik: Oh, I'll find him even if I have to climb up and up AND UP! (raises her arms.)

Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Chef: (just before Ms. Choksondik can get her arms high enough to reveal her nipples again.) NO!

Ms. Choksondik: What?!

(Cut to South Park Street. Timmy is still riding with the Hitchhiking Girl on his lap.)

Hitchhiking Girl: OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

(Pan to another part of the road where there is an on-site News Reporter standing by interviewing the two College Guys. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman are on the other side of the road.)

News Reporter #2: Tom, I'm standing at about two miles outside of Denver where the darling handicapped boy fights for his life on a wheelchair of death! (to the College Guys) Guys, can you tell us what kind of explosives we're actually dealing with here?!

College Guy #1: Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen fusion core with a velvet reactant!

(Timmy and the Girl appear.)

Timmy: (still riding with the Girl on her lap.) HELP! PLEASE HELP! 

College Guy #2: It just turned into a time bomb!

Timmy: Please help! (rolls away.)

College Guy #1: This has never happened in all the seventy-two original Star Trek episodes!

College Guy #2: Yeah! Wait! You mean seventy-three episodes!

College Guy #1: No! There was seventy-two!

College Guy #2: NO THERE WEREN'T!

College Guy #1: OH, YOU ARE SUCH A NERD! (pushes College Guy #2.)

(The College Guys start hitting each other.)

News Reporter #2: Tom, I understand that now the rescuers are gonna try and send in one of the handicapped boy's little friends in an attempt to keep 'im calm and hopefully disarm the device!

(Pan to where Timmy and the Girl are rolling. A SWAT Jeep passes by with a group of SWAT Cops and Kenny aboard.)

SWAT Cop #2: It's alright! Everything's gonna be fine!

Hitchhiking Girl: OH, MY GOD!

SWAT Cop #2: (Ties Kenny to a large skateboard-like device and gives him a walkie-talkie.) Alright, young man! When you get underneath that wheelchair, I want you to relay back to me with this walkie-talkie, and then I'll tell you which wires to cross! Ready?!

Kenny: {Let's go!}

SWAT Cop #2: GO, BLUE! (the SWAT Jeep releases Kenny's big metal skateboard which is still connected to the Jeep with a long chain. Kenny is swooped too far past Timmy, the Girl, and the deadly and explosive wheelchair. Kenny is brough past where Kyle, Stan, and Cartman are.)

Kenny: {Hi, guys!}

(Next, Kenny's metal skateboard gets caught in a manhole cover, and this flips Kenny and the skateboard over. Now, Kenny is face-down on the street with a big metal skateboard on his back holding him down.)

Kenny: {Eh! Oof!} (Into the walkie-talkie.) {Okay!} (The SWAT Jeep starts pulling in Kenny's skateboard.) {Hey! AAAAAAH!}

(The pressure of the big metal skateboard on Kenny's back pushes Kenny against the street, while at the same time, Kenny and the skateboard are being dragged back to the SWAT Jeep. This causes the street to scrape Kenny's face clean off, and next, the front of Kenny's skull is scraped off. Kenny is scraped of the full frontal hemisphere of his head, and a large chunk of the rest of his body. Evidently, some of his brain is scraped away, as is a lot of blood, by the rough and gritty street, and thus, Kenny is dead. Kenny's scraped corpse, with the big metal skateboard on its back, stops in front of Kyle, Stan, and Cartman.)

Stan: Well, who didn't see that comming?!

(Pan to where Timmy's Wheelchair is rolling. The SWAT Helicopter and SWAT Cop #1 are still hovering over Timmy and the Girl.)

Hitchhiking Girl: OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

SWAT Cop #1: Stay calm! You have to stay calm!

Hitchhiking Girl: What if we get off the chair?! It blows up!

SWAT Cop #1: No, no! That's only if the BOY gets off!

Hitchhiking Girl: Oh! See ya! (gets off the wheelchair, finally.)

Timmy: TIMMEH!

SWAT Chopper Driver: (from the chopper) TEN SECONDS, HANSON!

(Pan to where the three boys are.)

Stan: Nine! Eight!

(Pan back to Timmy's Wheelchair. SWAT Cop #1 is trying to disarm the wheelchair.)

Timmy: PLEASE HELP ME!

SWAT Chopper Driver: (from the chopper) SIX! FIVE!

Timmy: PLEASE HELP! PLEASE HELP!

SWAT Cop #1: Got it, I think! UP! UP! (he is hoisted back up to the chopper. The chopper fly's away.)

Timmy: TIMMAH! (his wheelchair is still rolling fast. Suddenly, a bright and shiny time-warp is formed in front of the wheelchair. Timmy and the wheelchair disappear into the time-warp, and the time-warp disappears.)

(The SWAT Team, the three boys, and the two College Guys watch this in amazement.)

College Guy #1: Hey! It did work!

(Cut to South Park Mountains. Ms. Choksondik is climbing up the mountain.)

Ms. Choksondik: Eh! Eh! Eh! (Her hooters are bulging in front of her almost blocking her view.) Eh! Eh! Eh! Hm! (Finally reaches a flat range on the Mountain. Climbs up and starts to walk. Three little kittens are following her. She sees a cave in front of her and shines a flashlight into the entrance.) Hello! (Enters the cave. Pan inside the cave. She walks in as her kittens follow her.) Oh, what am I doing?! I'm gonna get myself killed! IS ANYONE HERE?!

(Ms. Choksondik shines her flashlight around the cave and finds a bearded Mr. Garrison with a bearded Mr. Hat on his right hand.)

Mr. Garrison: Growl! (bears his hand like a lion bears its claw.)

Ms. Choksondik: Mister...Mr. Garrison?!

Mr. Garrison: Huh! Who are you?! What do you want?!

Ms. Choksondik: I'm the new Fourth Grade teacher! I've come to seek your help!

Mr. Garrison: Scowl! (bears his hand again.)

Ms. Choksondik: Please! I don't know how to handle the new Fourth Graders! I've tried everything! I need to know how YOU taught them!

Mr. Garrison: No! No, I...haven't taught in over...eight months!

Ms. Choksondik: Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach these kids! You're my only hope!

Mr. Garrison: D'you know what it is to be a teach, Miss...?!

Ms. Choksondik: Choksondik!

Mr. Garrison: NO, I DON'T! IT'S A LIE! Y'SEE?! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A TEACHER! YOU WORK AND YOU WORK FOR THE CHILDREN AND THEN PEOPLE START RUMORS THAT YOU'RE GAY EVEN THOUGH YOU LOVE POONTANG!

Ms. Choksondik: Mr. Garrison, these children are depending on me to give them a future! I can't do it without your guidance! Please! Help me! For them! For the future of our children!

Mr. Garrison: (holds out his hand.) Two-hundred bucks!

Ms. Choksondik: Done! (reaches into her pocket.)

(Cut to College Guys' Basement. The South Park Kids are there with College Guy #1.)

Stan: Dude! Y'gotta build us another time machine!

College Guy #1: Huh?! Oh! Can't!

Kyle: Wha'd'ya mean "Can't!"?! Y'made it work! Just build another one!

College Guy #1: I can't, because "pizza face" isn't here! (refering to College Guy #2.) We're not on speaking terms! We got in a big fight and he moved all his stuff out!

Stan: Wha'did you get into a fight about?!

College Guy #1: There's seventy-three original Star Treks! He keeps saying there's seventy-two!

Stan: Oh, Jesus Christ! Y'gotta be kidding me!

College Guy #1: No! He actually thinks there's seventy-two!

Cartman: Look, dude! Can't you just build us another machine without 'im?!

College Guy #1: No! "Pizza face" took all his 'quipment home to his mom's! Now, if you can go over there and get 'im to admit that he's wrong,...!

Stan: H'alright! Come on, guys! (South Park Kids leave the room. Pan to the College Guys' Staircase as the Kids are are going up the stairs.) Man! I can't believe we have to do this while Timmy's already back in time!

Kyle: Yeah! Timmy's probably back in Third Grade right now living it up!

(Cut to South Park. Millions Of Years Ago. There are forests, dinosaurs, and trees. A Pteridactyl flys by.)

Pteridactyl: Screetch! Screetch!

(Pan to a path on the ground. Timmy races by on his wheelchair as he is being chased by a Triceritops.)

Timmy: TIMMEEEEEEEH! TIMMEEEEEEEH! YAAAAAAAAAAH!

Triceritops: Growl!

(Cut to South Park Mountains. Today. Outside the cave. Ms. Choksondik is training. She is balancing three books on her right hand, three books on her left hand, and one book on her head. She is also standing on one foot. Mr. Garrison in instructing her.)

Mr. Garrison: Alright! Let's try it again!

Ms. Choksondik: Children, we are now going to do math problems!

Mr. Garrison: But teacher, I don't want to do my math problems!

Ms. Choksondik: Uh! Uh, you will do them or else you'll be in very big trouble!

Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm not going to do it, teacher! You can just suck my balls!

Ms. Choksondik: D'don't use that kind of language, young man!

Mr. Garrison: NO! (Ms. Choksondik drops all seven of her books and stands on both feet.)

Ms. Choksondik: No?!

Mr. Garrison: Look! You can't counter a profain command with an idle threat! You must extinguish it with a vulgar suggestion! When a child says "Suck my balls!", you say "Present them!"!

Ms. Choksondik: Oh!

Mr. Garrison: Now, let's try it again! (piles the books back on Ms. Choksondik the same way as before with one foot in the air.) SUCK MY BALLS!

Ms. Choksondik: Present them!

Mr. Garrison: Good! Very good! You're ready to move on to the next level, but I warn you! We will now be diving deep into your own psychy! These children know what scares you, and so we too must face those demons! 

Ms. Choksondik: I'm ready! I'm not afraid!

Mr. Garrison: (sounding like Yoda) You will be! You will be! Cough! Cough! Ahem! (clears his throat and sounds like himself again.) You will be!

(Cut to College Guy #2's House. The South Park Kids approach the door. Stan knocks.)

Stan: Goddammit! This is ridiculous!

(College Guy #2 opens the door.)

College Guy #2: What?!

Stan: Dude, can you please just stop fighting with your friend and build another machine so we can travel back in time to the Third Grade?!

College Guy #2: Look! There aren't seventy-three episodes of Star Trek! There are seventy-two! The Menagery was a two-parter that counts as one episode! "Pizza face" is wrong! (refering to College Guy #1.)

Cartman: Who the hell cares?!

College Guy #2: I know! Why does he have to be such a dick about it!

Kyle: Wouldn't it be better to just agree with 'im and forget the whole thing?!

College Guy #2: NO, BECAUSE HE'S WRONG!

Kyle: Look! You guys built a machine together that can bend time! If you'll just agree with 'im, you can build another one and usher in a whole new era of science!

College Guy #2: And live in a world of seventy-two original Star Treks?! I don't think so! I don't wanna live in that world! (closes the door.)

Cartman: God! These guys are such geek dumbasses!

Stan: I know!

Butter: He, h'yeah! They don't even realize that the Menagery originally was the pilot and later got split up into two episodes! Ha, ha! Ha, ha! (pause) Ha, ha, ha, ha! D'd'du'd'd'dumbasses!

Stan: Wait a minute! I've got it! (knocks. College Guy #2 answers.)

College Guy #2: What?!

Stan: Dude! If you guys build another time machine, you can travel back in time and ask the creator of Star Trek how many episodes there were!

(Pause)

College Guy #2: Dear Jesus! You're right!

(Cut to South Park Mountains. The Tree of Insight. Mr. Garrison and Ms. Choksondik approach.)

Mr. Garrison: This is it! The Tree of Insight! You must go in and face what lives lives inside!

Ms. Choksondik: What lives inside?!

Mr.Garrison: Hell if I know! I wouldn't go in there!

Ms. Choksondik: Alrightie! (Enters the tree. Pan inside the Tree of Insight. Ms. Choksondik looks around and sees only the bright light of the tree's entrance and exit.) Well?! What the...?! Well, there's nothing in here but an exit to the other side! (Takes a peek through the exit.) There's nothing in here at all! Oh, and I actually thought my mental demons would be in here! Wait a minute! Maybe there's not SUPPOSED to be anything in here! Maybe I'm supposed to see that I alone DO have the strength to reach the kids! I think I get it now! (goes through the exit.)

(Pan outside of the tree where Mr. Garrison is waiting.)

Mr. Garrison: Sigh! HEY! HURRY UP IN THERE! Jesus! YOU'RE TAKING TOO LONG IN THE DAMN TREE OF INSIGHT! (looks in through the entrance.) YOU IN THERE?! (enters the tree. Pan inside. Mr. Garrison looks around.) Hey! Where the hell did she go?! (Suddenly, both the entrance and exit seal shut, so Mr. Garrison is now trapped in the Tree of Insight.) What the...?! (Suddenly, there comes a figure of a man that looks exactly like Mr. Garrison as he originally looked without the beard or the torn clothes. It is Mr. Garrison's Gay Side.) AAH! Who...who are you?!

Gay Side: I am you! I am your gay side!

Mr. Garrison: My gay side?! I...I DON'T HAVE A GAY SIDE!!

Gay Side: You must face me at last!

(Cut to the Tree of Insight. Inside. Later. Mr. Garrison is still facing his fiercest inner-demon. His Gay Side.)

Mr. Garrison: You aren't real! You can't be!

Gay Side: It is me! Your darkest fear! Your gay self incarnate!

Mr. Garrison: What do you want?!

Gay Side: I want you to not fight me anymore! To accept me once and for all!

Mr. Garrison: Why?!

Gay Side: Don't you see?! All these years, your pain, your confusion, it comes from one place! Your denial of who you are! Of who WE are!

Mr. Garrison: BUT I'M NOT GAY! EVERYONE JUST THINKS I AM!

Gay Side: OH, STOP IT! WHAT ABOUT THE TIME YOU LOOKED AT COUNSELOR MACKEY'S PENIS IN THE MEN'S LOCKER ROOM?!

Mr. Garrison: I WAS JUST COMPARING SIZE!

Gay Side: FOR SEVEN MINUTES?!

Mr. Garrison: AAW!

Gay Side: AND WHAT ABOUT THE TIME YOU MASTURBATED TO THE MEN'S 100 METER SWIMMING RELAY AT THE OLYMPICS?!

Mr. Garrison: I WAS BEATING-OFF TO THE CHICKS!!

Gay Side: THERE WERE NO CHICKS!!!

Mr. Garrison: AAAW! DAMN YOU, SPIRIT! HAUNT ME NO LONGER!

Gay Side: ADMIT IT!!

Mr. Garrison: NO!!

Gay Side: YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND GET IT...!

Mr. Garrison: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I ADMIT IT!!! I'M GAY!!! I'm gay! I'm gay! I am gay! (the entrance and exit open up again.) Y'hear that, everyone?! I'm gay! I'm gay! I'm gay, and it...and it feels good!

(Cut to School. Fourth Grade Classroom. The chalkboard is all boarded up from the previous incident. The Kids are all seated, the College Guys are behind them, and Ms. Choksondik starts speaking. There is a new time machine placed in front of all the desks.)

Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children! I hope you all did your...! (Sees the Two College guys and their new time machine. Three kittens cuddle up with Ms. Choksondik.) What is going on now?!

Cartman: (stands up on his desk.) HA, HA TEACHER! WE'RE TRAVELING BACK IN TIME TO THIRD GRA...! (nobody else does this.) Goddammit, y'guys! Y'seriously said this time you'd stand up and do it with me! (sits down.)

Ms. Choksondik: Oh, good gravy! Not this again!

Cartman: YES! WE'VE HAD A NEW TIME MACHINE BUILT! THIS ONE OUT OF A SIMPLE MICROWAVE OVEN AND A DUCK!

(Zoom in on the new time machine made of a microwave oven and a duck.)

Duck: Quack!

(Zoom out.)

Cartman: AUREVOIR, TEACHER! PERHAPS WE SHALL SEE YOU IN THE PAST! HA, HA! (to the College Guys.) Gentlemen!

(The College Guys activate the new time machine.)

Ms. Choksondik: CHILDREN, I WILL HAVE ORDER!

College Guy #1: (to College Guy #2) I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to tell you how WRONG you are, 'cause like when you said there were no two-parters of Battlestar Galactica!

College Guy #2: THERE WEREN'T! 

College Guy #1: THE EPISODE CALLED "GUYS ON ICE: PLANET ZERO" WAS A TWO-PARTER!

College Guy #2: NO IT WASN'T! (they start fighting again as their time machine is starting up.)

Stan: Oh, son of a bitch!

College Guy #1: (to College Guy #2) I'LL KILL YOU! (they continue fighting as College Guy #2 drops his remote control which pushes a button. This button causes the time machine to explode and the time warp appears. The College Guys are still fighting.)

Cartman: THERE IT IS! C'MON, EVERYBODY! (All the Kids get up from their desks ready to enter the time warp.)

Ms. Choksondik: CHILDREN, GET BACK INTO YOUR SEATS!

Cartman: NO WAY, LADY!

Ms. Choksondik: ERIC, I MEAN IT!

Cartman: YOU CAN SUCK MAH BALLS!

Ms. Choksondik: (thinks back to her training with Mr. Garrison.) Present them!

(All the Kids stop in puzzlement. Even the two College Guys stop fighting.)

Cartman: What?!

Ms. Choksondik: You said "Suck my balls!"! Well?! Go ahead! Whip 'em out, and I'll suck 'em!

Stan: (in amazement) That...that's what Mr. Garrison would've said!

Cartman: Touchez, teacher! Touchez!

Ms. Choksondik: Now, children, listen to me! Why do you want to go back in time?! Life isn't about going back! It's about going forward! Yes, there are times in our life that we wish we could relive, but if we already lived them perfectly, why live them again?! The adventure of life is that there's always something new! New challenges! New experiences! A fun game is a game that gets harder as it goes, so it is with life! D'you understand?!

Stan: Dude! Sh'she's right!

Kyle: Yeah! And you know, now that I think about it, Third Grade wasn't all that great either!

Stan: Yeah! THIRD GRADE SUCKED! CARTMAN, WHY THE HELL DID YOU TRY TO MAKE US THINK THIRD GRADE WAS SO GREAT?!

Kyle: YEAH! YOU SUCK, CARTMAN!

Cartman: What?!

(All the Kids sit down.)

Ms. Choksondik: Alright, students! That will be quite enough! If you're ready, let's continue on with the Fourth Grade! (She is about to write something on the ruined chalkboard when a loud noise is heard along with Timmy's voice.)

Timmy: AAAAAAAAAAH!

(Timmy reappears. He is wearing a pirate hat, a metal arm, and a fur coat. He has travel sticker on his wheelchair and he has a palm, and a metal club.)

Kyle: Hey! Timmy's back!

Stan: Dude, it looks like he's been all over time! He must have such cool stuff to tell us!

Timmy: (with pride.) Eh, Timmeh!

(Cut to the Principal's Office. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Chef are talking.)

Chef: Y'know I'm always here to help, Principal Victoria,...!

(Suddenly, Mr. Garrison bursts in. He's all clean and shaven, and he looks just like he did in all previous episodes of South Park.)

Mr. Garrison: HEY! GUESS WHAT, EVERYBODY! I'M GAY!

Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison?!

Mr. Mackey: What?!

Mr. Garrison: I'M AS GAY AS A GYMNAST ON SHORE LEAVE!

Principal Victoria: You admit it?! YOU ADMIT IT!

Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison! You've finally come to terms with yourself!

Mr. Garrison: YEAH! IT FEELS REALLY GOOD!

Principal Victoria: Well, congratulations!

Mr. Mackey: Yeah! Congratulations!

Mr. Garrison: Y'know, I...I feel like I can start anew! If it's alright with you, I'd like to go back to teaching the Third Grade!

Principal Victoria: Oh, I'm sorry! We don't hire gay people!

(Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Chef all giggle and laugh leaving Mr. Garrison probably feeling let down and betrayed.)

(The End. Closing Credits.)

Episodes | Information | Movie | Audio | Images | Video | Misc Downloads | Screensavers | Games

Translate: Chinese | Danish | French | German | Italian | Japanese | Norwegian | Portuguese | Russian | Spanish | Swedish

---

---

© 1997 - 2004 South Park Stuff (Formerly Chef's South Park Source)

PRIVACY POLICY