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South Park Movie

Script

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

SOUTH PARK (passim)

STAN MARSH:

There’s a bunch of birds in the sky

And some deers just went running by

Oh, the snow’s pure and white

On the earth rich and brown

Just another Sunday morning

In my quiet mountain…TOWN

The sun is shining and the grass is green

(Under the three feet of snow I mean)

This is a day when it’s hard to wear a frown

All the happy people stop to say hello

TOWNSPERSON: Get out of my way!

STAN:

Even though the temperature’s low

It’s a perfect Sunday morning

In my quiet little mountain town

SHARON MARSH: Well, good morning, Stan.

STAN: Mom, can I have eight dollars to see a movie?

SHARON: A movie?

STAN: Yeah. It’s gonna be the best movie ever! It’s a foreign film, from Canada.

SHARON: All right, here ya go. But be back for supper.

STAN: Thanks, mom!

SHARON:

Oh, what a picture-perfect child

Just like Jesus he’s tender and mild

He’d wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown

What an angel

With a heart so sweet and sure

And a mind so open and pure

Thank God we live in this quiet redneck mountain town

STAN: [knocking on Kenny’s door] Dude! Dude, wake up!…Kenny, come on!

KENNY MCCORMICK: Coming!

STAN: Kenny, the Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come?

KENNY: [undecipherable]

MRS. MCCORMICK: Where do you think you’re going?

KENNY: I’m going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!

MRS. MCCORMICK: You can’t! You have to go to church.

KENNY: But mom, I want to go to the movie!

MRS. MCCORMICK: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!

KENNY: Okay!

STAN:

You can see your breath hanging in the air

You see homeless people

But you just don’t care

It’s a sea of smiles

In which we’d be glad to drown

KENNY:

And this movie's gonna make our lives complete

‘cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet

STAN: That’s right!

STAN:

It’s Sunday Morning

STAN and CHOIR:

In my quiet little whitebread redneck mountain town

IKE BROFLOVSKI: Ba-ba-ba-ba.

KYLE BROFLOVSKI: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

IKE: Don’t kick the baby.

KYLE: Kick the baby. [kicks Ike]

Ike: [screams]

SHEILA BROFLOVSKI: [seeing Ike crash through the window] Ike! You broke another window! That’s a bad baby! Bad baby!

STAN: Kyle, we’re going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!

KYLE: Oh my God, dude!

SHEILA: Kyle, where are you going?

KYLE: Uh, we’re going ice-skating.

SHEILA: Well take your little brother out with you.

KYLE: Aw, ma! He’s not even my real brother. He’s adopted.

SHEILA: Do as I say, Kyle!

KYLE: Okay, okay, I’m sorry.

SHEILA:

Look at those frail and fragile boys

It really gets me down

The woild is such a rotten place

And city life’s a complete disgrace

That’s why I moved to this redneck, meshuggenah, quiet mountain town

SHEILA: [seeing Ike crash through the window again] Ike! Bad baby!

TV ANNOUNCER: This program is brought to you by Snacky S’mores: the creamy fun of s’mores in a delightful cookie crunch.

ERIC CARTMAN: [hearing doorbell ring] Mom! Somebody’s at the door!

LIAN CARTMAN: Coming, hon!

CARTMAN: [as mom walks in front of the TV] ‘ey, I can’t see the TV!

TV NEWS ANCHOR: It’s been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him.

LIAN: Oh look, Eric: it’s your little friends.

IKE: Cartman!

CARTMAN: What are you guys doing here? [seeing an ad for the Terrance and Phillip movie] Oh, sweet, dude! Yes! Yes!

CHILDREN:

Off to the movie we shall go

Where we learn everything that we know

‘cause the movies teach us

What our parents don’t have time to say

And this movie’s gonna make our lives complete

‘cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet

CARTMAN: Super sweet!

CHILDREN:

Thank God we live in the

Quiet little redneck, podunk, white trash

KENNY: [undecipherable]

CHILDREN:

U…S…A

OUTSIDE THE CINEMA

STAN: Can I have five tickets to "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire," please?

BOX OFFICE CASHIER: No!

KYLE: What do you mean "No"?

CASHIER: "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire" has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

KYLE: But why?

CASHIER: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please.

KYLE: This, this can’t be happening

STAN: We have to see this movie, dude.

CARTMAN: Aw, screw it. It probably isn’t all that good anyway.

KYLE: Cartman, what are you talking about? You love Terrance and Phillip.

CARTMAN: Yeah, but the animation’s all crappy.

STAN: Wait, I’ve got an idea!

HOMELESS MAN: Uh, hi. I want six tickets to "Asses of Fire."

CASHIER: This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones.

HOMELESS MAN: Hey, he says this movie isn’t appropriate for you.

STAN: Look, Mr. Homeless Guy. If you don’t wanna buy us tickets, and not get your ten bucks, and not go buy yourself a bottle of vodka; then be my guest.

HOMELESS MAN: Six tickets, please.

INSIDE THE CINEMA

KYLE: Let me have some candy, Cartman.

CARTMAN: Oh, let’s see. Uh…nope, I don’t have any Jewish candy.

KYLE: Why do you really need all that chocolate, fat boy?

IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba.

STAN: Shh, the movie’s starting!

CHILDREN: [as movie begins] Hooray!

PHILLIP: Say, Terrance. What did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynaecologist?

TERRANCE: I don’t know, Phillip. What?

PHILLIP: [farts in Terrance’s face]

BOTH: [laughing hysterically]

STAN: Where do they come up with this stuff?

TERRANCE: You’re such a pigfucker, Phillip!

CHILDREN: [gasping]

KYLE: What did he say?

PHILLIP: Terrance, why would you call me a "pigfucker"?

TERRANCE: Well, let’s see. First of all, you fuck pigs.

PHILLIP: Oh yeah!

BOTH: [laughing hysterically]

TERRANCE: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch!

BOTH: [laughing hysterically]

PHILLIP: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster!

CHILDREN: Wow!

CARTMAN: "Shitfaced cockmaster."

TERRANCE: Listen, you donkey-raping shiteater!

KYLE: "Donkey-raping shiteater."

IKE: "Dobee babing sheeteater."

TERRANCE: You’d fuck your uncle.

PHILLIP: You’d fuck your uncle.

PHILLIP:

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka

You’re a cocksucking, asslicking uncle fucka

You’re an uncle fucka, yes it’s true

Nobody fucks uncles quite like you

TERRANCE:

Shut your fucking face uncle fucka

You’re the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka

You don’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn

You just fuck your uncle all day long

BOTH: [farting in tune to the music]

BOTH: [laughing hysterically]

AUDIENCE MEMBER: What’s going on, here?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: What garbage!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Well, what do you expect? They’re Canadian.

CHOIR:

Fucka, uncle fucka

Uncle fucka uncle fucka

Fucka, uncle fucka

BOTH:

Shut your fucking face uncle fucka

PHILLIP: Uncle fucka!

BOTH:

You’re a boner-biting bastard uncle fucka

PHILLIP:

You’re an uncle fucka I must say

TERRANCE:

Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday

BOTH:

Uncle fucka

That’s: U-N-C-L-E, fuck you

BOTH, WITH CHOIR:

Uncle fucka

PHILLIP: Suck my balls!

OUTSIDE THE CINEMA

KYLE: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!

CARTMAN: You bet your fucking ass it was!

STAN: Fuck dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip!

CASHIER: Hey, wait a minute. Where’s your guardian?

KYLE: Huh?

CASHIER: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn’t you?

CARTMAN: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shiteater!

KYLE: Yeah!

KYLE:
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka

CHILDREN:

You’re an anus-licking ball-sucking uncle fucka

THE SKATING POND

KID: Hey, where have you guys been all day?

STAN: Oh, nowhere. We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie!

KIDS: [gasping]

KID: You saw it?

KID: How’d you get in?

CARTMAN: Hey, stop crowding us you shitfaced cockmasters!

KIDS: Wow!

STAN: Yeah, you’re all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!

KIDS: Oooh!

KID: We have got to see this movie, dude.

KYLE: Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother.

STAN: [singing to self]

There’s the girl that I like

CARTMAN: Hey, Stan. Tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-shitting rectal-wart.

STAN:

Now, more than ever

She gives me butterflies

It makes my stomach queasy

Every time she walks by

CARTMAN: Asshole, I’m talkin’ to you!

STAN:

I know I can be cool if I try

WENDY TESTABURGER: Hi, Stan!

STAN: [barfs on Wendy]

WENDY: Gross!

GREGORY: Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush.

STAN: Who are you, kid?

GREGORY: My name is Gregory. I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a four-oh grade point average.

WENDY: Wanna skate with us?

GREGORY: We’ve been skating all morning, and laughing, and talking of memories past.

STAN: We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie!

GREGORY: Oh ho. Try and catch me, Wendy! [skates off]

WENDY: Bye, Stan.

CARTMAN: Yes, yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me?…I said WHO WANTS TO FUCKIN' TOUCH ME?

KID: [touching Cartman] Ooooh.

KID: C’mon, gang. We gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie, too! [the kids vacate]

CARTMAN: [to Kenny] I hate you, Kenny.

MR. GARRISON’S CLASSROOM

ALL KIDS:

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker

You’re a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucker

You’re a- [all stop singing abruptly as Mr. Garrison walks in]

MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, let’s take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [to Mr. Hat] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let’s start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two?…C’mon children, don’t be shy. Just give it your best shot. Yes, Clyde?

CLYDE: Twelve?

MR. GARRISON: Okay. Now let’s try to get an answer from someone who’s not a complete retard. Anyone?…Come on, don’t be shy.

KYLE: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.

CARTMAN: [mocking Kyle]

KYLE: Shut-up, fatboy!

CARTMAN: ‘ey! Don’t call me fat, you fuckin’ Jew!

MR. GARRISON: Eric! Did you just say the F-word?

CARTMAN: "Jew"?

KYLE: No, he’s talkin’ about "fuck." You can’t say "fuck" in school, you fuckin’ fatass.

MR. GARRISON: Kyle!

CARTMAN: Why the fuck not?

MR. GARRISON: Eric!

STAN: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

MR. GARRISON: Stanley!

KENNY: Fuck.

MR. GARRISON: Kenny!

CARTMAN: What’s the big deal? It doesn’t hurt anybody. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

MR. GARRISON: How would you like to go see the school counselor?

CARTMAN: How would you like to suck my balls?

KIDS: [gasping]

MR. GARRISON: What did you say?

CARTMAN: Oh, I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Actually, what I said was: [speaking through bullhorn] "How would you like, to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"

KYLE: Holy shit, dude.

COUNSELOR’S OFFICE

MR. MACKIE: Well, I must say I’m very disappointed in you boys, m’kay? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Now I’ve already called in your mothers, but-

KYLE: [frightened] You called my mom?

MR. MACKIE: That’s right.

KYLE: [even more frightened] Oh no, dude!

CARTMAN: Mr. Mackie, can I ask a question?

MR. MACKIE: M’kay, what?

CARTMAN: What’s the big fuckin’ deal, bitch?

STAN: Yeah.

MR. MACKIE: Oh! N-now I wanna know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m’kay?

STAN: Nowhere. Uh, we heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.

KYLE: Yeah!

MR. MACKIE: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said…uh, "Eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker."

CHILDREN: [laughing]

CARTMAN: Hee hee hee, sweet!

KYLE: [as mothers walk in] Uh-oh!

MR. MACKIE: Thank you all for coming on such short notice.

SHARON: This just isn’t like you, Stanley.

SHEILA: What did my son say Mr. Mackie? Did he say the S-woid?

MR. MACKIE: No, it was worse than that.

SHEILA: The F-woid?

MR. MACKIE: Well here’s a short list of the things they’ve been saying, m’kay?

SHARON: Oh dear God!

SHEILA: What the heck is a "rimjob"?

LIAN: Oh, why that’s when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass!

SHEILA: Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackie this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases.

KYLE: I…I…

STAN: We can’t tell you. We all took a sacred oath, and swore ourselves to secrecy.

CARTMAN: It was the Terrance and Phillip movie.

STAN: Dude!

CARTMAN: What? Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here.

SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?

MR. MACKIE: Excuse me, what the heck is Terrance and Phillip?

SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada. Nothing but foul language and toilet humor.

MR. MACKIE: Well, I guess I’ll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see "Terrance and Phillip."

CARTMAN: Everybody’s fuckin’ seen it.

LIAN: Eric!

CARTMAN: I’m sorry, I can’t help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

THE LUNCHROOM

STAN: [singing to self]

There’s the girl that I like

Over there laughing with that smart ne-

CARTMAN: ‘ey! You’re holding up the god damn lunch line!

CHEF: Hello there, children!

CHILDREN: Hey Chef.

CHEF: How’s it goin’?

CHILDREN: Bad.

CHEF: Why bad?

KYLE: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can’t ever see the Terrance and Phillip movie again!

CHEF: Oh, that’s too bad.

CARTMAN: You shoulda seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind, heh heh.

KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman!

CARTMAN: No, dude, I’d be scared too. Your mom’s a fuckin’ bitch.

KYLE: Don’t call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!

CARTMAN: Don’t call me fat, you buttfuckin’ son of a bitch!

CHEF: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?

CARTMAN: [walking away] It’s pretty fuckin’ sweet, huh?

STAN: [lagging behind] Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?

CHEF: Oh, that’s easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.

STAN: Huh?

CHEF: Ooops!

STAN: What does that mean, "…find the clitoris"?

CHEF: Uh…uh, forget I said anything. Move along, children, you’re holdin’ up the line.

STAN: You guys! Do you know where I can find the…"clitoris"?

KYLE: The what?

CARTMAN: What, is that like finding Jesus, or something?

MR. MACKIE: [over the PA] Attention, students! We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts are no longer allowed in school. Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be sent home immediately.

ALL KIDS, except GREGORY and WENDY: Hooray! [vacating]

TELEVISION

ANCHOR: The R-Rated Canadian film, "Asses of Fire" is number one at the box office. But is the film destroying American youth? Here with a special report, is a midget in a bikini.

MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Thanks, Tom! It appears that the effects of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching, indeed. All over America, children seem to be influenced. Like at this spelling bee in Washington.

PROCTOR: All right, this is for the silver medal: spell "forensics."

CONTESTANT: Aw, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell "forensics"?

OTHER CONTESTANTS: [laughing] Yeah! Woo!

CONTESTANT: Here you go. [writing on chalkboard] S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S, "forensics."

MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Tom, the devastating impact of the Canadian duo can also be seen with their new hit song, "Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucka."

PHILLIP: [hip-hop style]

Shut your fucking face, uncle fuck-ah

TERRANCE: [hip-hop style]

You’re a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka

PHILLIP:

A-a-a a-a a

Now I told you that, we won’t stop

Now I told you that, we won’t stop

MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Back to you, Tom.

ANCHOR: Thanks, midget. Shocking report! The controversy began in the small mountain town of South Park, where the local PTA is trying to ban the movie. With us tonight is the head of the PTA, Sheila Broflovski…

SHEILA: Hello, Tom.

ANCHOR: …and the Canadian minister of movies.

MINISTER: Thanks for havin’ me, buddy.

ANCHOR: Minister, parents are concerned about your country’s entertainment. Your thoughts?

MINISTER: Well, the film is R-Rated, and it's not intended for children to-

SHEILA: Well, but of course children are gonna see it!

MINISTER: Can I finish? The fact is that we Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage.

SHEILA: You just don’t care!

MINISTER: Can I finish? Hello? C-can I finish? The United States has graphic violence on television all the time. We can’t believe that a movie with some foul language would piss you off so much.

SHEILA: Because it’s evil!

MINISTER: Can I finish? Please, can I finish?…Okay, I’m finished.

ANCHOR: But Mr. Minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams.

MINISTER: Now, now. The Canadian government has apologised for Bryan Adams on several occasions.

SHEILA: You Canadians are all the same. With your beady little eyes, and flapping heads. You…you’re trash!

MINISTER: I resent that! I find that racist, and-

SHEILA: Our children are now addicted to your filth!

MINISTER: You are a racist, ma’am! You are a racist!

SHEILA: It is going to take us weeks to erase the damage this film has done to our children!

REHABILITATION

MR. MACKIE: Uh, kids, I wanna welcome you to rehabilitation, m’kay? Your mothers insisted that you be taken from your normal schoolwork, and placed into rehab to learn not to swear.

GREGORY: I must say, I don’t think I belong with these rogues. I attended school at Yardale, and had a four-oh grade point average.

CARTMAN: [to Gregory] You’re a fuckin’ faggot, dude.

MR. MACKIE: M’kay, you see children? This is exactly what I’m talkin’ about. We have to get you off of foul language.

KYLE: How are we gonna do that?

MR. MACKIE: Well, listen here.

MR. MACKIE:

There are times when you get suckered in

By drugs and alcohol

And sex with women, m’kay?

But it’s when you do these things too much

That you’ve become an addict

And must get back in touch

You can do it

It’s all up to you, m’kay?

With a little plan

You can change your life to-day

You don’t have to spend your life addicted to smack

Homeless on the streets

Givin’ handjobs for crack

Follow my plan

And very soon you will say:

"It’s easy, m’kay?"

Step one: instead of "ass" say "buns"

Like "Kiss my buns" or

"You’re a buns-hole"

Step two: instead of "shit" say "poo"

As in "bull poo", "poo-head", and "this poo is cold"

Step three: with "bitch" drop the "t"

‘cause "bich" is Latin for "generosity"

Step four: don’t say "fuck" anymore

‘cause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say

So just use the word "m’kay"

ALL KIDS:

We can do it

It’s all up to us, m’kay?

MR. MACKIE:

M’kay

ALL KIDS:

With a little plan

We can change our lives today

MR. MACKIE:

You can change to-day

MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS:

You don’t have to spend your lives

Endin’ up in the trash

Homeless on the streets

Givin’ handjobs for cash

Follow this plan and very soon you will say:

"It’s easy, m’kay"

MR. MACKIE:

Step one:

KID:

Instead of "ass" say "buns"

KID:

Like "kiss my buns"

KID:

Or "you’re a buns-hole"

MR. MACKIE:

Step two:

SOME KIDS:

Instead of "shit" say "poo"

KID:

As in "bull poo"

KID:

"poo-head"

KID:

And "this poo is cold"

MR. MACKIE:

Step three:

ALL KIDS:

With "bitch" drop the "t"

‘cause "bich" is Latin for "generosity"

MR. MACKIE:

Step four:

ALL KIDS:

Don’t say "fuck" anymore

MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS:

‘cause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say

KIDS:

"Fuck" is the worst word that you can say

We shouldn’t say "fuck"

No, we shouldn’t say "fuck"

Fuck no!

MR. MACKIE:

You’re good, you can go

MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS:

You don’t have to spend you lives

Endin’ up in the trash

Homeless on the streets

Givin’ handjobs for cash

Follow this plan and very soon you will say:

"It’s easy, m’kay?"

ALL KIDS:

It’s easy, m’kay?

MR. MACKIE:

It’s easy, m’kay?

ALL KIDS:

It’s easy, m’kay?

MR. MACKIE: [adopting a falsetto]

It’s easy, m’kay?

ALL KIDS:

It’s easy, m’kay?

It’s easy, m’kay?

It’s easy, m’kay?

MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS: [laughing]

MR. MACKIE:

M’kay…m’kay…m’kay.

Now you’re cured! You can take the rest of the afternoon off for personal reflection, m’kay? Find your own constructive way to better yourself, m’kay?

INSIDE THE CINEMA

TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: [laughing hysterically]

TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, I hope you’ve learned something through this whole experience.

PHILLIP: I did, Terrance. I learned that you are a boner-biting dickfart buttface.

BOTH: [laughing hysterically]

TERRANCE: Want to see the Northern Lights? [lights fart on fire and burns to death]

PHILLIP: You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.

TERRANCE: [laughing] I sure did, Phillip!

BOTH: [laughing hysterically]

BOTH and CHOIR:

Uncle fucka!

You got it

KIDS: [cheering]

CARTMAN: Yes!

KID: This movie rules!

OUTSIDE THE CINEMA

KYLE: Man, that movie gets better every time I see it!

CASHIER: Hey!

CARTMAN: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can’t do that.

KENNY: Yeah, you can!

CARTMAN: No way.

KENNY: Yes you can. I’ve done it before.

CARTMAN: Okay, Kenny. I’ll bet you a hundred dollars you can’t light a fart on fire.

KENNY: [undecipherable] [lights fart on fire, laughing hysterically, lit fart erupts into general conflagration, screaming hysterically]

STAN: Holy shit, dude!

CARTMAN: Ah! Oh my God! Hey! [begins beating Kenny with stick] Aw, shit! Aw, shit! Ahh!

STAN: Somebody do something!

CARTMAN: [distraught] This stick is on fire!

STAN: [to Cartman, as dumptruck dumps salt on Kenny] Oh my God, you killed Kenny!

KYLE: [to Cartman] You bastard!

CARTMAN: Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?

HOSPITAL

SURGEON: Load that IV with 70 cc’s of Sodium Pentathol!

NURSE: We just called the parents.

KYLE: Oh shit, dude! Now our moms are gonna find out we went to the Terrance and Phillip movie again!

SURGEON: Vacuum! Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus!

STAN: Dude!

SURGEON: No! That doesn’t go there!

CARTMAN: Aw, crap!

KYLE: Gross, dude!

CARTMAN: That’s sick!

NURSE: Watch his liver.

ASSISTANT: I’ll get it!

SURGEON: We have precious little time left, people! We’re gonna lose him soon.

NURSE: Doctor, his heart stopped!

SURGEON: Let’s get it out of there! We need to zap this, quick! [opening microwave] Who’s making a potato?

ASSISTANT: My bad, sir! I missed lunch.

SURGEON: Dammit! I’m not gonna lose this kid…Close him up, we’ve done all we can. The rest, is up to God…Kenny, Kenny can you hear me?

KENNY: Oh shit, dude.

SURGEON: How are you feeling, son?

KENNY: Where the fuck am I?

SURGEON: Great! Son, I have some bad news. We…accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.

KENNY: What? [explodes]

CARTMAN: Ah! Fuckin’ weak, dude!

STAN: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

KYLE: You bastards!

SURGEON: Dammit! It never…gets…any…easier! [walks away whistling]

CARTMAN: I bet him he couldn’t do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.

STAN: C’mon Cartman, it’s not your fault.

CARTMAN: No, I know. I’m just fuckin’ stoked I don’t have to pay him.

KYLE: Oh, that’s real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck! [parents enter room]

SHEILA: So, boys. You saw that movie, again?

CHILDREN: [resignedly] Yes.

SHEILA: Well Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!

KYLE: Grounded?

SHARON: And you, Stan. Come on.

LIAN: And you’re grounded for three weeks, Eric.

CARTMAN: ‘ey, why am I grounded more? That’s fuckin’ bullshit!

SHEILA: What-what-what? What was that word young man?

HEAVEN

[Kenny is denied access, and is instead sent to Hell]

PARENTS’ ASSEMBLY

SHEILA: Parents, our children are out of control! This is what happens when toilet humour is allowed to run rampant!

SHARON: That’s right. Kenny set himself on fire because he saw Terrance and Phillip do it in that dirty movie.

SHEILA: We must stop dirty language from getting to our children’s ears. We must go fight the source of it.

SHARON: But what is the source?

SHEILA: Oh, that’s easy.

SHEILA:

Times have changed

Our kids are getting worse

They won’t obey their parents

They just want to fart and curse

SHARON:

Should we blame the government?

LIAN:

Or blame society?

TWO PARENTS:

Or should we blame the images on TV?

SHEILA: No!

SHEILA:

Blame Canada

PARENTS:

Blame Canada

SHEILA:

For their beady little eyes

That plant their heads so full o’ lies

SHEILA and PARENTS:

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

SHEILA:

We need to form a full assault

PARENTS:

[undecipherable]

SHARON:

Don’t blame me

For my son Stan

He saw the darned cartoon

And now he’s off to join the Klan

LIAN:

And my boy Eric, once

Had my picture on his shelf

But now when I see him

He tells me to fuck myself

SHEILA:

Blame Canada

SHEILA and PARENTS:

Blame Canada

SHEILA:

It seems that everything’s gone wrong

Since Canada came along

PARENTS:

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

PARENT:

They’re not even a real country anyway

MRS. MCCORMICK:

My son could’ve been

A doctor or a lawyer, it’s true

Instead he burned up

Like a piggy on a barbecue

PARENTS:
Should we blame the matches?

Should we blame the fire?

Or the doctors who allowed him to expire?

SHEILA: Heck no!

SHEILA and PARENTS:

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

SHEILA:

With all their hockey hullabaloo

LIAN:

And that bitch Anne Murray, too

SHEILA and PARENTS:

Blame Canada

Shame on Canada for-

They’re smutting us up

They’re tracking in trash

The laughter and fun

Must all be undone

We must blame them and cause a fuss

Before somebody thinks of blaming us

THE MARSH RESIDENCE

SHELLY MARSH: All right, you turds, listen up. Your moms are away at a meeting, and they put me in charge of you. But you’re still grounded, so you’re not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?

STAN: Shelly, where’s the clitoris?

SHELLY: [breaks chair over Stan’s head]

STAN: Ow!

SHELLY: Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut, while I go listen to my Britiney Spears records. [goes to her room]

STAN: Okay, it’s clear [turning on the TV]

CONAN O’BRIEN: Our next guests have the number one movie in the world right now. Please welcome Terrance and Phillip!

O’BRIEN AUDIENCE: [mixed cheers and boos]

CHILDREN: Hooray!

TERRANCE: Hello, Conan. Hello, Brooke Shields.

CONAN: Guys, some people claim that your Canadian humour is nothing but immature fart jokes.

PHILLIP: That’s not true. Take this classic Canadian joke for instance. [clears throat] Excuse me, Terrance.

TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?

PHILLIP: [farts on Terrance, blowing him into the drum set]

BOTH: [laughing hysterically]

CARTMAN: [laughing] That’s sweet!

TERRANCE: Good one, Phillip! Cheers!

PHILLIP: Cheers, fuckface.

CONAN: Guys, you can’t say that on TV.

PHILLIP: Now Terrance smells like my ass!

BOTH: [laughing]

BROOKE SHIELDS: I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.

TERRANCE: [after a pause, slaps Brooke Shields]

CONAN: So guys, does it make you nervous to be in America? There are a lot of organisations here that want you arrested for destroying children.

PHILLIP: Oh, they’d have to find us first.

CONAN: You’re right. Now!

TROOPS: [rush in and capture Terrance and Phillip]

SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip, Mothers Against Canada is placing you under citizens’ arrest!

KYLE: Mom?

STAN: Dude, what the hell is going on?

SHEILA: We have a court order for your arrest!

TERRANCE: Phillip, we’ve been ambushed!

SHEILA: [handing Conan his payoff] Here you go, Conan.

PHILLIP: This little scrotum-sucker deceived us! You are a bad man!

SHEILA: Don’t listen to them, Conan.

PHILLIP: You loved our movie, Conan! We watched it together. Remember? You laughed.

CONAN: What have I done? [jumps out window]

STAN: Holy crap, did you see that? They arrested Terrance and Phillip!

THE UNITED NATIONS

CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by American in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. As you can see from this graph, the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip. Without them, we are doomed to recession.

SECRETARY GENERAL: What say you, Mr. American Ambassador?

AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: Fuck Canada!

CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: ‘ey, Fuck you, buddy!

AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: Terrance and Phillip will not be released. They are going to be put on trial for corrupting American’s youth. We don’t know what all the fuss is about.

CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: The fuss is aboot taking our citizens. It’s aboot not censoring our art. It’s aboot…

AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]

CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: …It’s aboot…

AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]

CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: What’s so god damn funny?

AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: [regaining composure] N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about?

CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity…

AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]

CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: …This is aboot respect. This is about realising that humans…

AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]

CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we’ll give you something to cry aboot!

ENTIRE UN: [laughing hysterically]

CANADIAN AIRFORCE

PILOT: Pilot to bombardier! Pilot to bombardier! We’re nearing the target!

BOMBARDIER: Bombs ready, buddy!

THE BALDWIN RESIDENCE

WILLIAM BALDWIN: [answering phone] Baldwin residence…no, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension…stupid! [to Alec Baldwin] Hey Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?

ALEC BALDWIN: No, what?

WILLIAM: Nothing!

ANOTHER BALDWIN: Yeah!

ALL BALDWINS: [laughing]

WILLIAM: [after all other Baldwins have been bombed] Ha! Ha! You missed me! [then gets bombed himself]

MR. GARRISON’S CLASSROOM

MR. GARRISON: Hi, children. Your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.

STAN: Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip?

ALL KIDS: Yeah!

KID: That’s gay.

MR. GARRISON: Oh, well, your moms are just upset. They’re probably all on their periods or something.

WENDY: [whispering to Gregory] Not cool!

GREGORY: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.

MR. GARRISON: Well I’m sorry Wendy, but I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. Anyway children, let’s start off with some vocabulary…

MR. MACKIE: [over PA] Attention, students, m'kay?

MR. GARRISON: Oh, what now?

MR. MACKIE: Come to the gymnasium immediately for a special announcement, m’kay?

THE GYMNASIUM

KYLE: What’s goin’ on, Chef?

CHEF: Something big, children.

STAN: Chef, I can’t find the clitoris. You have to help me.

CHEF: Stan, the clitoris is a-

MR. MACKIE: Please take your seats, everyone, they’re about to announce it, m’kay.

TV ANCHOR: This is a state of emergency. We go now to the White House for an announcement from the President of The United States.

BILL CLINTON: My fellow Americans, at five a.m. today, a day which will live in infamy, the Canadians have bombed the Baldwins. In response to this, the U.S. has declared war on Canada.

ALL CHILDREN: [gasping]

CHEF: Oh, no!

STAN: War?

WENDY: No! Gregory, no!

GREGORY: Now, this is bad, Wendy. Hold on to me.

MR. GARRISON: [frantically] All the Baldwins are dead?

CLINTON: Now it is time for us to send a message to Canadians. In two days time, the war criminals Terrance and Phillip will be executed.

STAN: They’re gonna kill them?

CLINTON: And now, I’d like to bring up my newly-appointed secretary of offence, Ms. Sheila Broflovski.

KYLE: Holy shit, dude!

SHEILA: My fellow Americans, our neighbour to the north has abused us for the last time!

CLINTON: I have a plan-

SHEILA: Canadians want to…

CLINTON: As commander in chief [drowned out by Sheila]

SHEILA: …fight us, because we won’t tolerate their potty-mouths. Well! If it is war they want, then war they shall have!

CARTMAN: Dude, this is fucking weak.

STAN: How could things be any worse?

HELL

KENNY: Satan! No way!

SATAN: Fallen one: I am Satan. I am your god now!

KENNY: [screaming] Oh my god! [runs away]

SATAN: [materialising in front of him] There is no escape! [torturing Kenny] Now, feel the delightful pain.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: Hey, Satan! Did you hear the news? A war just broke out up on earth!

SATAN: Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil.

KENNY: Huh?

SADDAM: Move over, Satan, you’re hogging all the fun. Yeah! Yeah! Man, this is getting’ me so hot!

KENNY: Oh my god!

SATAN: Saddam, would you let me do my job, please?

SADDAM: Hang on! Rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy.

SATAN: Saddam, could I talk to you over here for a second?…I don’t see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.

SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy!

SATAN: Well, sometimes, I think you don’t have any respect for me.

SADDAM: Aw, come here, guy. Who’s my creampuff?

SATAN: I am.

SADDAM: That’s right, buddy.

KENNY: [watching them] Huh?

THE SCHOOLYARD

STAN: Dude, I don’t wanna be at war.

KYLE: You don’t think they’re really gonna kill Terrance and Phillip, do you?

CARTMAN: Kyle, you need to stop being such a chickenshit, and stand up to your mother. You need to smack her in the face, and say, "That’s enough of your shit, you fuckin’ bitch!"

KYLE: Don’t call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

STAN: You guys, stop it! This isn’t helping. We’ve gotta think, here. Now, let’s see. What would Brian Boitano do?

CARTMAN: Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?

KYLE: [noticing a gathered crowd] Hey! What’s going on over there?

GREGORY: The American government thinks it has the right to police the world. Your government is going to kill two Canadian citizens. An action condemned by the UN (home of the free indeed).

KID: Let’s play tetherball!

KIDS: Yeah!

WENDY: This is about freedom of speech! About censorship! Can’t you guys be more political, like Gregory?

STAN: [singing to self]

There’s the girl that I like

Now it appears that she likes another guy

It must be because he’s political and stuff

I bet I could be political too

WENDY: [to Stan] What do you think, Stan?

STAN: [barfs all over Wendy] Dammit!

CARTMAN: You guys, this is all Kyle’s mom’s fault.

KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman!

CARTMAN: Kyle’s mom is the one that started that damn club. And all because she’s a big, fat, stupid bitch!

KYLE: Don’t say it, Cartman!

CARTMAN: [breaking into song]

Well…

KYLE: Don’t do it, Cartman!

CARTMAN: [breaking into song]

Well…

KYLE: I’m warning you!

CARTMAN: Okay, okay.

KYLE: I’m getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a b…

CARTMAN: [erupting into song]

Well, Kyle’s mom’s a bitch

She’s a big fat bitch

She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world

She’s a stupid bitch

If there ever was a bitch

She’s a bitch to all the boys and girls

KYLE: Shut your fuckin’ mouth, Cartman!

CARTMAN:

On Mondays she’s a bitch

On Tuesdays she’s a bitch

On Wednesdays and Saturdays she’s a bitch

Then on Sunday (just to be different)

She’s a stupid, King-Kong, meya meya beeyatch

CARTMAN: C’mon! You all know the words!

CARTMAN and KIDS:

Have you ever met my friend Kyle’s mom?

She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world

She’s a mean old bitch

It has to be heard

She’s a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

KIDS:

Whoa!

CARTMAN and KIDS:

She’s a stupid bitch

Kyle’s mom’s a bitch

And she’s just a dirty bitch

KIDS:

Hey!

CARTMAN: Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this. [song is sung in several different languages]

CARTMAN:

Have you ever met my friend Kyle’s mom?

She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world

She’s a mean old bitch

It has to be heard

She’s a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

She’s a stupid bitch

STAN: [seeing Kyle’s mom standing behind Cartman] Uh, Cartman…

CARTMAN:

Kyle’s mom’s a bitch

And she’s just a dirty bitch

I really mean it

Kyle’s mom

She’s a big fat ugly bitch

Big old fat fuckin’ bitch, Kyle’s mom, yeah

Cha!

CARTMAN: [noticing aghast looks on children’s faces] What? [turning around] Oh, fuck!

LABORATORY

SHEILA: Okay, everyone, settle down. As we continue to send troops into Canada, M.A.C. is also fight the war against potty-mouths here at home. Here to present the V-chip is Dr. Vosknocker.

DR. VOSKNOCKER: [clears throat] The machinery of the V-chip is very simple. It is placed under the child’s skin, where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.

RANDY MARSH: Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows that the kid is swearing?

DR. VOSKNOCKER: It’s just like a lie detector. You see, certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-chip.

CARTMAN: [patient B-5] Ow, my head hurts.

DR. VOSKNOCKER: [to Cartman] Don’t worry about that. Now, I want you to say, "Doggie."

CARTMAN: Doggie.

DR. VOSKNOCKER: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say, "Montana."

CARTMAN: Montana.

DR. VOSKNOCKER: Good! Now, "Pillow."

CARTMAN: Pillow.

DR. VOSKNOCKER: All right! Now, I want you to say, "Horse-fucker."

CARTMAN: [hesitating]

LIAN: Go ahead, Eric. It’s all right.

CARTMAN: Horse-fucker. [gets shocked] Ow!

AUDIENCE: [gasping]

CARTMAN: That hurt, god dammit! [gets shocked] Ow! Fuck! [gets shocked] Hey!

DR. VOSKNOCKER: Now I’d like you to say, "Big floppy donkey dick."

CARTMAN: No!

DR. VOSKNOCKER: Success! The child doesn’t want to swear!

AUDIENCE: [cheering madly]

CARTMAN: This isn’t fair, you sons of bitches! [gets shocked] Ow!

SHEILA: We will start putting V-chips in all our children next week.

AUDIENCE: [cheering wildly]

NEWSREEL

ANCHOR: Snacky S’mores presents, "The March of War." Let’s hear it for our boys in blue! President Clinton has called them to action, to fight the evil Canadian scourge. A full-scale attack has been launched on Toronto, after the Canadians’ last bombing, which took a horrible toll on the Arquette family. For security measures, our great American government is rounding up all citizens that have any Canadian blood, and putting them into camps. All Canadian-American citizens are to report to one of these Death Camps right away. Did I say, "Death Camps?" I meant, "Happy Camps," where you will eat the finest meals, have access to the fabulous doctors, and be able to exercise regularly. Meanwhile, the war criminals, Terrance and Phillip, are prepped for their execution. Their execution will take place during a fabulous USO show, with special guest celebrities, including Big Gay Al, and Winona Ryder. Of course, the only way to see the USO show is to sign up for the army! So join the army and kill some Canadian scum, as we continue…"The march of War." (Eat Snacky S’mores!)

BONFIRE

SHEILA: We must rid ourselves of anything Canadian!

KYLE: [to kid] Dude, don’t you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?

KID: ‘course not! My mommy says I hate Canadians now, ‘cause they made me have a dirty mouth.

SHEILA: Burn it all!

CARTMAN: [morosely] Hey, dudes.

STAN: What’s the matter, Cartman?

CARTMAN: It’s this V-chip. I hate it. I can’t say any dirty words.

KYLE: Really? So you can’t say, "fuck?"

CARTMAN: No.

KYLE: And you can’t say, "Shit?"

CARTMAN: Nope.

KYLE: So you can’t say, "I’m Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world?"

CARTMAN: Fuck you! [gets shocked] Ah!

KYLE: [laughing] Sweet!

STAN: C’mon, you guys. This has gone far enough. It’s time we talked to our moms.

KYLE: We’re supposed to be grounded in our rooms.

STAN: C’mon, Kyle. It’s time for us to get political.

SHEILA: Canada will no longer corrupt our children!

KYLE: Mom? Can I talk to you for a second?

SHEILA: Kyle, what are you doing here? You are grounded! Now get back to the house, and stay there!

SHARON: You too, Stanley!

STAN: Mom, we think you’re going too far. You can’t kill Terrance and Phillip.

SHEILA: [ignoring children] We must fight for our children’s futures!

STAN: You started a war. You have to stop it.

SHEILA: To make them safe again!

STAN: Hello?

SHEILA: Our children are precious?

STAN: Hello?

SHEILA: We must make a stand now! Stop at nothing!

KYLE: I told you my mom wouldn’t listen.

STAN: Well then we’re just gonna have to save Terrance and Phillip ourselves!

KYLE and CARTMAN: What?

STAN: Think about it, you guys. What would Brian Boitano do? He’d figure out a way to rescue Terrance and Phillip before they’re executed!

KYLE: We can’t do anything: our moms’ organisation is too strong.

STAN: Well then we’ll round up all the grounded kids in town, and start our own organisation. And organisation to help save Terrance and Phillip.

CARTMAN: Hey, yeah! Our own secret club.

KYLE: I guess that could work.

STAN: We have to try!

STAN:

What would Brian Boitano do, if he was here right now?

He’d make a plan and he’d follow through

That’s what Brian Boitano’d do

KYLE:

When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics

Skating for the gold

He did two salkcows and a triple lutz

While wearing a blindfold

CARTMAN:

When Brian Boitano was in the Alps

Fighting grizzly bears

He used his magical fire breath

And saved the maidens fair

CHILDREN:

So, what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today?

I’m sure he’d kick an ass or two

That’s what Brian Boitano’d do

CARTMAN:

I want this V-chip out of me

It has stunted my vocabulary

KYLE:

And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone

STAN:

For Wendy I’ll be an activist too

‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano would do

CHILDREN:

That’s what Brian Boitano’d do

He’d call all the kids in town

And tell them to unite for truth

That’s what Brian Boitano’d do

BRIAN DENNEHY: Someone say my name?

STAN: Who are you?

BRIAN DENNEHY: I’m Brian Dennehy.

KYLE: What? No, not fuckin’ Brian Dennehy!

STAN: Hey, get the fuck out of here!

BRIAN DENNEHY: Oh. Bye.

CHILDREN:

When Brian Boitano traveled in time to the year 3010

He fought the evil robot king

And saved the human race again

CARTMAN:

And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids

He beat up Kubila Kahn

CHILDREN:

‘cause Brian Boitano doesn’t take shit from anybody

So let’s call all the kids together

And unite to stop our moms

And we’ll save Terrance and Phillip too

‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano’d do

And we’ll save Terrance and Phillip too

‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano’d do

‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano’d do

HELL

SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy!

SATAN: [referring to TV] Oh, there’s nothing on.

SADDAM: You just get cranky when you talk, that’s all.

SATAN: I’m not cranky!

ANCHOR: What started as a spat between The United States and Canada is quickly turning into World War III.

SADDAM: World War III?

SATAN: Shh.

ANCHOR: Terrance and Phillip are going to be put to death for crimes against humanity. The time of execution has-

SATAN: [clicking off TV] It has come to be! The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh! The time of prophesy is upon us!

SADDAM: Ah, I love when you get all biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank.

SATAN: No, I’m being serious. It is the seventh sign.

SADDAM: What?

SATAN: Behold. The first signs of my reign have all come true: the fall of an empire, the coming of a comet. And now, when the blood of these Canadians touches American soil, it will be our time to rise.

SADDAM: Yeah! Yeah! Man, I’m getting’ so hot! Let’s fuck!

SATAN: Do you always think about sex? I’m talkin’ about very important stuff, here.

SADDAM: Ah, I’m just excited about taking over the world! Come on!

SATAN: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?

SADDAM: I love you.

SATAN: I want to believe that.

SADDAM: So whaddya say we shut off that light and get close, huh?…Yeah, you like that, don’t you, bitch?

THE BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE

KYLE: Okay. We can use my dad’s computer to call all the kids together.

STAN: Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on the word, "Clitoris."

KYLE: Oh, okay…"Found: eight million pages with the word, ‘Clitoris.’"

STAN: Wow!

KYLE: I’ll just try the first one. "You must be eighteen to enter this website." Okay. "Welcome to ‘German Sick Fetish Video.’ If you are under eighteen, do not--" well, okay…

GERMAN: Do my sheiza game!

KYLE: Dude! It’s a lady getting pooed on!

STAN: Whoa! Is it Cartman’s mom?

CARTMAN: Oh, very funny.

KYLE: Hey! It is Cartman’s mom!

GERMAN: Essen mein sheiza.

LIAN: All-righty, then!

CARTMAN: Aw, son of a bitch! [gets shocked] Ow!

IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba

KYLE: Get outta here, Ike. You’re too young for this stuff.

IKE: Bull shit.

STAN: What’s he doing, now?

GERMAN: Essen mein sheiza.

LIAN: Okey-dokey!

CHILDREN: [watching video] Oh! [gagging]

GERMAN: [undecipherable]

STAN: Click it off, dude! Click it off! Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

CARTMAN: All right, all right. Let’s just do what we came here to do, and put a message out to kids.

KYLE: Okay. Let’s see, I’ve gotta put out an all-access e-mail…god damn your mom sucks, Cartman.

CARTMAN: Just get to the message board!

KYLE: I’m trying. I can’t find a Canadian server. I’ve got to break in to the mainframe…Dammit! They’ve got an access code. I’ll try to re-route the encryptions…Okay, here we go. [typing] "Want to help Terrance and Phillip? Sneak out after you get tucked into bed tonight, and meet at Carl’s Warehouse."

CARTMAN: Tell ‘em we’ll have punch and pie.

KYLE: We’re not gonna have punch and pie!

CARTMAN: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie!

KYLE: "…punch and pie. This is top secret. The password is…"

STAN: "La Resistance."

CARTMAN’S ROOM

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And so, the draft will begin tomorrow, as more and more troops are needed to invade the Canadian border. The Canadian government pleas for a peaceful resolution, but naturally we’re not listening.

LIAN: Good night, hon.

CARTMAN: Mom, when is the war gonna be over.

LIAN: I don’t know, hon. Soon, we hope. You want it to end quickly, huh? [leaving the room]

CARTMAN: Mom?

LIAN: Yes, hon?

CARTMAN: If you were in a German sheiza video, y-you’d tell me, right?

LIAN: Sure, hon. Good night! [shuts door]

CARTMAN: [seeing Kenny’s ghost] Ah! Supposed to be dark!

KENNY’S GHOST: Here’s what you have to do.

CARTMAN: Kenny! Is that you?

KENNY’S GHOST: Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come to earth and take over the world!

CARTMAN: Satan? Satan is coming here?

KENNY’S GHOST: He’s coming here with Saddam Hussein!

CARTMAN: Saddam Hussein? That doesn’t make sense, Kenny!

KENNY: [undecipherable]

CARTMAN: [screaming]

LIAN: Eric, what is it?

CARTMAN: I saw him! I saw Kenny!

LIAN: Oh, you poor dear! You’ve been through so much.

CARTMAN: I bet him he couldn’t light a fart on fire, and now he’s all pissed off. [gets shocked] ‘ey! I can’t say "Pissed off?" [gets shocked] Yaa!

HELL

SATAN: The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent. Soon, Saddam and I will rule the world. [laughing maniacally]

SADDAM: Hey, Satan. I got some new luggage for our trip up to earth. Let’s fuck to celebrate!

SATAN: What’s it like up on earth, Saddam? Tell me about it again.

SADDAM: Aw, let’s not talk. Let’s get busy!

SATAN: Do you remember when we first got here? We used to talk all night long, until the sun came up. We would just lie in bed and…talk.

SADDAM: Well, yeah, ‘cause I was still waitin’ to get you in bed, dummy!

SATAN: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I’m somebody else?

SADDAM: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who’m I gonna pretend you are, Liza Minelli?

SATAN: [walking away]

SADDAM: Aw, don’t get all pissy.

SATAN: [sighing]

SATAN:

Sometimes I think

When I look up real high

That there’s such a big world up there

I’d like to give it a try

But then, I sink

‘cause it’s here I’m s’posed to stay

But I get so lonely down here

Tell me: why’s it have to be that way?

Up there, there’s so much room

Where babies burp and flowers bloom

Everyone dreams, I can dream too

Up there, up where

The skies are ocean-blue

I could be safe and

Live without a care

Up there

CHOIR:

Oh, oh, oh

SATAN:

They say I don’t belong

CHOIR:

Hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh

SATAN:

I must stay below, alone

CHOIR:

Hoo-ooh, hoo-ooh

SATAN:

Because of my beliefs

I’m supposed to stay where evil is sewn

CHOIR:

Ooh-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh

SATAN:

But what is evil, anyway?

CHOIR:

Hah-aah-aah-aah-aah

SATAN:

Is there reason to the rhyme?

CHOIR:

Ooh-ooh, ooh ooh ooh

SATAN:

Without evil there’d be no good

SATAN and CHOIR:

So it must be good to be evil sometimes

Up there

SATAN:

There’s so much room

CHOIR:

Aah-aaaah

SATAN:

Where babies burp and flowers bloom

CHOIR:

Ooh-ooooh

SATAN:

Every dreams, I can dream too

SATAN and CHOIR:

Up there

SATAN:

Up where the skies are ocean blue

CHOIR:

Ooh-hoo

SATAN:

I could be safe and

Live without a care

CHOIR:

Without a care!

SATAN:

Live without a care

If only I could live up… [screaming] there!

SATAN and CHOIR:

I wanna live

I wanna live up

Ooh-ooh-hoo

I want to live up there!

CARL’S WAREHOUSE

KYLE: [as Cartman rushes in] You’re late, Cartman!

CARTMAN: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.

KYLE: Your "behind"?

CARTMAN: I have to say "behind" ‘cause I get shocked if I say, "Ass." [gets shocked] Ow!

KYLE: Did you bring the punch and pie?

CARTMAN: No! You guys! Something happened! I don’t think Kenny’s dead.

KYLE: What?

CARTMAN: I saw him in my room.

KYLE: I know, Cartman, I know. I see Kenny every day.

CARTMAN: You do?

KYLE: Sure, dude. On the face of every child. On the smile of every baby.

KYLE and STAN: [laughing]

CARTMAN: Hey! I’m telling you, this was Kenny. He said that if Terrance and Phillip die, Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come up and rule the world.

KYLE: Saddam Hussein? [as somebody knocks on the door] Who is it?

GREGORY: I’m here for La Resistance.

KYLE: What’s the password?

GREGORY: Uh, I don’t know.

KYLE: Guess.

GREGORY: Uh, "Bacon."

KYLE: Okay.

GREGORY: Viva La Resistance!

STAN: Oh, no, it’s that kid!

GREGORY: [to Wendy] This is the place.

STAN: Wendy?

WENDY: Stan? You started La Resistance?

STAN: [barfs on Wendy]

GREGORY: Well, apparently you’re more political than we thought. Let us get this meeting underway. When are the others coming?

KYLE: Wow! A lot of people showed up.

STAN: ‘kay, uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed…and we think that sucks ass! [calling on kid] Yes?

KID: Uh, we were to understand there’d be pie and punch?

STAN: There isn’t any.

KID: Oh. [leaves with one other kid]

STAN: Uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed, so we think we should…prank call a bunch of policemen! A-and, and have pizzas sent to them that they didn’t order! Viva La Resistance!

GREGORY: [disgusted] Oh, huh. Uh, may I?

STAN: What?

GREGORY: [addressing map] Terrance and Phillip are currently being held at the Canadian internment camp two kilometres outside of town. They’re to be executed tomorrow, during a star-studded USO show for the troops.

STAN: Tomorrow?

GREGORY: Once the show begins, we should have about one hour to get Terrance and Phillip out of their cell, and into this clearing. There we will all rendezvous, and together, take Terrance and Phillip safely back to Canada.

KYLE: Wow, dude! Wendy’s new guy is smart.

GREGORY: You must meet me at the rendezvous point at precisely ten p.m. Sneaking into the show and breaking out Terrance and Phillip will be the most dangerous part, so I’ll go myself.

STAN: No! We’re going. We started La Resistance, we’ll get Terrance and Phillip and meet you at the rendez-vouse point.

GREGORY: This…will be very dangerous. Are you quite sure?

CARTMAN: Fuck that! [gets shocked] Ah!

STAN: Cartman, do you want that V-chip in you forever? We’re going. Now, let’s run through the plan.

MILITARY BARRACKS

SOLDIER: Now, uh, when you shoot somebody, you actually go for the somewhat vital…

JIMBO MARSH: Oh, boy! Military action, Ned. Let’s kill us some god damn Australians!

NED: I think we’re fighting Canadians.

JIMBO: Canadians, Australians. What’s the difference?

MR. GARRISON: Yeah! This uniform makes me feel like a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.

MR. HAT: [via Mr. Garrison] It sure does, Mr. Garrison!

MR. GARRISON: Oh, boy. I can’t wait for our first shore leave, so I can get me some fuckin’ poontang.

GENERAL: Tomorrow night is the USO show, for all you troops. There will be celebrities, followed by the execution of Terrance and Phillip.

SOLDIERS: [cheering madly]

GENERAL: After the show, we will finally be sending ground troops into Canada. So let’s strategise! Map! [a holographic map appears] Our sources have told us that the Canadians are preparing for our invasion, so we must use caution. Each battalion has a specific code-name and mission. Battalion Five, raise your hands. [all blacks raise their hands] You will be the all-important first attack wave, which we will call, "Operation: Human Shield."

CHEF: Hey, wait a minute!

GENERAL: Now, keep in mind, "Operation: Human Shield" will suffer heavy losses. Battalion Fourteen? [all whites raise their hands] Right. You are, "Operation: Get-Behind-The-Darkies." You will follow Battalion Five, here. And try not to get killed, for god’s sake! Are there any questions, men? [recognising Chef] Yes, soldier?

CHEF: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

GENERAL: I don’t listen to hip-hop. After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will [Saddam’s visage begins to take over the hologram] Oh, what’s wrong with this thing? It’s fuckin’ Windows ’98! Get Bill Gates in here… [to Bill Gates] You told us Windows ’98 would be faster, and more efficient, with better access to the Internet.

BILL GATES: It is faster! Over five million-

GENERAL: [shoots Bill Gates dead] All right, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare [undecipherable]

SOLDIERS: [cheering madly]

CARL’S WAREHOUSE

GREGORY: After you have Terrance and Phillip, quietly make your way to this ridge. We will be waiting for you there. We cannot wait for long. So if you’re not there at ten, we will have to leave.

STAN: Gotcha!

GREGORY: You are indeed brave. But you will need help from someone who’s done this sort of thing before. Here’s the address of, "The Mole."

STAN: "The Mole?"

GREGORY: He is an expert in covert operations. A mercenary-for-hire. Your first task will be obtaining him. Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow, we will all be risking our lives…for freedom.

GREGORY:

God has smiled upon you this day

The fate of a nation in your hands

And blessed be the children

Who fight with all our bravery

‘til only the righteous stand

You see the distant flames

They bellow in the night

You fight in all our names

For what we know is right

And when you all get shot

And cannot carry on

Though you die

La Resistance lives on

GREGORY and KIDS:

You may get stabbed in the head

With a dagger or a sword

You might be burned to death

Or skinned alive, or worse

But when they torture you

You will have nothing to run for

Though you die

La Resistance lives on

MEDLEY

SHEILA:

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

Because the country’s gone awry

Tomorrow night these freaks will fry

SOLDIERS:

Tomorrow night

Our lives will change

Tomorrow night

We’ll be entertained

An execution

What a sight

Tomorrow night

SATAN:

Up there, there’s so much room

Where babies burp and flowers bloom

Tomorrow night up there is doom

And so I will be going soon

TERRANCE and PHILLIP:

Shut your fuckin’ face, uncle fucka

You’re a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka

TERRANCE:

Looks like we may be out of luck

PHILLIP:

Tomorrow night we’re pretty fucked

STAN:

Why did our mothers start this war?

What the fuck are they fighting for?

Will they disown me ‘cause I’m learned to cuss?

SATAN:

I want to be up there

SHEILA:

We’re gonna send our boys to deal with Celine Dion!

GREGORY:

They may cut your dick in half

SOLDIERS:

Tomorrow night

GREGORY:

And serve it to a pig

SOLDIERS:

Our lives will change

GREGORY:

And though it hurts you’ll laugh

SOLDIERS:

Tomorrow night

GREGORY:

And dance a dickless jig

SOLDIERS:

We’ll be entertained

GREGORY:

That’s the way it goes

And we’ll be shat upon

Though we die

SATAN:

I want to be

GREGORY:

La Resistance

[screaming] Lives on!

SHEILA:

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

HELL

SADDAM: I don’t know if I can sleep (if you know what I mean).

SATAN: [reading Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus] This book is really interesting. It talks about how people communicate differently. Like, I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and you communicate-

SADDAM: Hey, that is interesting…Let’s fuck!

SATAN: Saddam, I’m trying to have a nice conversation with you.

SADDAM: [revealing a very realistic-looking dildo] Hey Satan…

SATAN: Oh! Now, that is just not appropriate!

SADDAM: Aw, c’mon, I’m just fuckin’ with you. [tossing it aside] It’s not real.

SATAN: Oh, well, that’s still not appropriate.

SADDAM: [revealing second dildo] ‘ey, Satan…

SATAN: Oh! [gets up to leave]

SADDAM: Hey, it’s not real, either. C’mon, guy!

SATAN: [sobbing]

KENNY: [noticing Satan’s distress] What’s wrong?

SATAN: [attempting to regain composure] Oh! Uh, uh…ha ha ha ha! Soon, the world will belong to me!

KENNY: No, what’s wrong, dude?

SATAN: It’s Saddam. He doesn’t nurture my emotions. He just wants sex, and can’t learn to communicate.

KENNY: Why don’t you just fuckin’ leave him?

SATAN: You’re right. I should leave him. I’m just gonna tell him, "Saddam, I’m going to earth to rule alone." I’m strong, and I don’t need him.

KENNY: Good for you!

BARRACKS

SOLDIER:

Today’s the day for the USO show

SOLDIERS:

We’re so happy we get to go

SOLDIER:

I don’t know, but I’ve been told

SOLDIERS:

[undecipherable] …is mighty bold

BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE

STAN: Ike, you have to stay in the attic. ‘cause if they find you, they’ll put you in a Canadian concentration camp. Don’t worry, Ike, we’re gonna put an end to this. And then I’ll make mom come home, and we’ll be a family again. [leaves]

IKE: I like baby’s home. [starts jamming on harmonica]

"THE MOLE"’S HOUSE

THE MOLE’S MOTHER: ‘allo?

STAN: Hi. We need to speak with "The Mole."

MOTHER: I’m sorry. "The Mole" is grounded. He can’t come out and play.

KYLE: What? He’s a kid?

MOTHER: He said very naughty things about god.

STAN: Oh, well, can we just talk to him for five seconds, please?

MOTHER: Well, all right…Christoffe!

STAN: Hi, uh…we’re gonna go rescue Terrance and Phillip from the USO show, and we were just-

"THE MOLE": Shh! Who are you? Who sent you?

STAN: That Gregory kid! He said you could sneak us in.

"THE MOLE": Are you telling me, that you intend, to break into the USO show, filled with thousands of soldiers, and break out Terrance and Phillippe?

CARTMAN: I thought it was a pretty stupid idea, too.

STAN: We’re La Resistance. We wanna save Terrance and Phillip, and stop the war and stuff.

"THE MOLE": I can’t help you. I’m grounded in my room for the next three days.

KYLE: So are we. Our parents think we’re home right now. Why are you grounded?

"THE MOLE": Why? Because god hates me, that’s why. He has made my life miserable. So I called him a cocksucking asshole. Then I get grounded.

KYLE: So will you help us?

"THE MOLE": Very well. Meet me in the back yard in five minutes. Viva La Resistance! We’ll show god that we’re not gonna fucking take any more-

MOTHER: What? Christoffe, get in here!

"THE MOLE": Coming, mother!

HELL

SATAN: [to self] I must be strong. I must be strong. [entering room] Saddam, I need to talk to you.

SADDAM: Ah! You better get packin’, bitch. We have to go! We’re running out of time!

SATAN: [sighs] Saddam, sometimes you can love a person very much, but still know that they aren’t right for you.

SADDAM: What the fuck are you talking about?

SATAN: You treat me like shit, Saddam. I’m leaving you. I’m going up to earth to rule alone.

SADDAM: No! No, you can’t do that!

SATAN: I’m sorry. But I have to be strong.

SADDAM: Satan, please. Gimme another chance. I have to go to earth.

SATAN: You don’t even have any respect for me.

SADDAM: Ah, sure I do, guy! Hey, just hear me out.

SADDAM:

Some people say that I’m a bad guy

They may be right

They may be right

But it’s not as if I don’t try

I just fuck up

Try as I might

But I can change

I can change

I can learn to keep my promises

I swear it

I’ll open up my heart and I will share it

Any minute now I will be born again

‘cause I can change

I can change

I know I’ve been a dirty little bastard

I like to kill

I like to rape

I’ve gone insane as you can see

But I can change

It’s not my fault that I’m so evil

It’s society

Society

You see my parents were sometimes abusive

And it made

A prick of me

But I can change

I can change

SATAN:

What if you remain a sandy little butthole?

SADDAM:

‘ey, Satan

Don’t be such a twit

Mother Theresa won’t have shit

On me

Just watch

Just watch me change

Here I go: I’m changing!

Ah!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Ah!

SADDAM: You see? I’ve really matured.

SATAN: Oh, all right.

SADDAM: All right!

SATAN: Come on, we have to hurry.